SANCTUARY by ANDREA BROWN A THESIS Presented to the Creative Writing Program and the Graduate School of the University of Oregon in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Master of Fine Arts September 2008 11 "Sanctuary," a thesis prepared by Andrea Brown in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the Master of Fine Arts degree in the Creative Writing Program. This thesis has been approved and accepted by: Date 7 Accepted by: Dean of the Graduate School © 2008 Andrea Brown 111 CURRICULUM VITAE NAME OF AUTHOR: Andrea Brown PLACE OF BIRTH: St. Louis, MO DATE OF BIRTH: November 28,1979 GRADUATE AND UNDERGRADUATE SCHOOLS ATTENDED: University of Oregon, Eugene, Oregon Hollins University, Roanoke, Virginia University of Legon, Ghana, West Africa University of Vermont, Burlington, Vermont University of Havana, Havana, Cuba DEGREES AWARDED: Master of Fine Arts, Creative Writing, August 2008, University of Oregon Graduate Certificate, Women Studies, August 2008, University of Oregon Bachelor of Arts, English/Creative Writing, May 2002, Hollins University AREAS OF SPECIAL INTEREST: Poetry Queer Ethnic Studies IV PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE: Graduate Teaching Fellow, University of Oregon 2006-2008 Creative Writing Composition Ethnic Studies Women & Gender Studies Youth Project Coordinator, Bay Area Community Resources 2004-2006 GRANTS, AWARDS AND HONORS: Cave Canem Fellowship, Cave Canem Foudation 2008 Starlin Award, University of Oregon 2007 Graduate Teaching Fellowship, University of Oregon 2006 Idyllwild Fellowship, Idyllwild Summer Writing Program 2005 Voices of our Nation Scholar, VONA 2005 UCLA Community Scholar, University of California Los Angeles, 2003 Zora Neal Hurston Scholar, Naropa Institute 2002 PUBLICATIONS: brown, drea. "june monday, feeding aedes dorsalis, pulling time." Asili the Journal Volume 6 April/May/June 2006 brown, drea. born brown. Nursha Project, Oakland, CA 2004 brown, drea. "the secret history." Margie Review 2002 v VI TABLE OF CONTENTS Title Page sennon for a believer.. 1 the gospel....................................................................... 2 sanctuary........ 3 me an punkin an alla'dem.......................................................................................... 5 ninth ward 7 before the war of the righteous everybody go get saved 8 meditation on a little black dress 9 from the purple letters 11 how the child was named by the light of the moon....................................... 13 catchin the spirit............ 17 nightlight 18 hymn 20 consecration...................................................... 21 ballad in blue.............................................................................................................. 23 because you were buried before i was born.......... 25 mappIng...................................................................................................................... 26 soul brotha numba one 27 resurrection................................................................................................................ 29 the great get up................................... 31 sermon for a believer listen to me church i'm saved and sanctified can i get a witness in here some call me crazy cause i believe in the magnificence of the invisible i cling like a mustard seed cause i know the lepers itch i been the abominable bout died but grabbed a hem got healed got joy an nothin to fear when jonah was in the whale belly shamed worn wary who you think he turn to in his bitter hours of trouble who you think he need he kneel on that whales tongue an beg away evil three bleak days an nights he breathe belly and gawd in prayer i believe the sea split and gawd made it to bleed he flood the fools made tap water wine keep yo cup full feed a a crowd with twenty loaves plague the masters with lice and toads delivered shadrach meshach and abednego church its possible to clean the sin sick soul to save the faithful the lawd my shepard though invisible makes the rock cry out and the river bubble believe of me what you will this i know gawd changed my name calls me miracle 1 the gospel on a good sunday the gospel gone grab you by the feets and loose yo soul the cherubs gone sprout wings and things and leave they patent leather shoes the altos the tenors and sopranos the one baritone hallelu halleluuu- hallelujah why don't you just clap yo hands why don't you let go and let gawd chillun why don't you letjeezus in and give it up to the holy ghost like sistah smith when her arms fly up and her platter rimmed hat fly out the pew she babel and flail and some gracious usher wave a funeral fan or the good-news bible in her face till her tongue crawl back in an she start signifyin bout the 01' rugged cross an how much she tithe can we change the communion wine oh lawd my gawd let there be change in the offerin plate for a twenty let the congregation say aw yeh and amen the angels in heaven done signed my name on pastor's pearly gate cadillac car-note on his discover charge and his fine purple robes pinstriped suit and wingtipped shoes we give him plenty we give you the glory everyday twice on sundays lawd have mercy we have no shame 2 sanctuary we in gods basement heads bowed gathered in a circle of prayer seven near bloods two sunday kin one stranger his carved smile a glow in the dark wire rimmed eyes electric against quick schemes of light we young and black and masked ghouls and witches a man with a hungry axe the magic of voodoo vengeance the science of patchwork and death lawd bless this place and these demons we bout to become our shotgun sanctuary a sore mouth its chapped lips a parted door its folding tongue a table where frankenstein resurrects every ten minutes these buckteeth closets this tar dark who knows what rot lines each crevice and cavity what god-spells forgotten choir robes whatjack-o-lantern boy crouches in thick shadow some closets keep memories like treasures 3 and stains fluorescent in the dark some closets i know like a pit in broken bone a glow of grin sharpens into my neck hardens between my legs pushes until blood tells me mothers name as if i do not know tells me her choir space her solos that i should know he knows he pushes and tears me apart while allagodschildren run wild in a mouth of flashing light hush he tells me or he will tear her apart i should kiss him here and here and here in a crack of space he tells me be obedient and jesus will surely bless me we who are cavernous and demonic choose our fate in bodies of dark under hi beam strobe and howling cassette when allagodschildrens come painted and costumed swinging hollow pumpkin heads filled with chocolate ghosts black and orange dyed caramels candied apples wrapped and twist tied 4 me and punkin and alla'dem when i was young and fat and bucktooth i jumped double dutch barefoot on the corner of lexington and plain we did ah mumbles side to side bent down to touch the black street me and punkin ah soles scrapin northside turf we bought penny candy at the IiI red store hurdled over sidewalk cracks and ran back to ah clothesline rope strung out in the grass ah callous feet ah twenty brown toes stuck wit tar and grass blades and Iii rocks we aim and shoot at passin cars, banana and cherry taffy in ah teeth we pray in the alley for the baby we find wrapped in the sunday funnies and a pillowcase we pray cause we think she bout two and her mama must be in church or on the corner callin her name i tell my mama bout ah find and worry she bow her head and rock and moan like she grieving wit the holy ghost she tell me i can't play in the streets she don't want nobody findin me blue and black and dead i can't even roll in the grass just roller skate back and forth cross four feet of front porch but i make do and store my jax in the missing brick space make blue kool-aid ice i don't need no store bought pickles i got jarred dills i just want a iiI bit of punkin and pray she come soon wit no shoes her mouth crackin and spittin sunflower seeds in the grass but she never do and i hear she hanging round the hustle brothas on the corner they smoke kools and take fortys to the head smash the bottles like baseballs in the street they snort bitch and bang smack they sell reefer to my mama and a handful of rock to somebody else's next i see punkin she gotta hundred dollars all rocked up say she holdin it till the cops cool down say she might take it to the store 5 get some bread and brownsweigel' and enough penny candy to fill the street say she might give it to her mama if she pay her then she wont have to pray so hard bout bein broke wit busted shoes say she might post on the comer when she get grown like the hustle crew say they take good care let her smoke grass drink they brew she say some dude wit a cocked cardinal cap even kissed her in the grass by the park say they had some liquor and his mouth was hot and he climbed and rocked on top of her like she didn't have braids and beads and wasn't round the corner from twelve say she his girl now she his chocolate tease say he'll tell her stories and keep her safe and he climb back on top and she think her prayers been heard and he gon get her them hi top hot pink sneaks to skip the streets in the heat and steam ofjuly alia st.louis crawl out and walk the streets shoot bottle rockets at passers by layout squares of blankets in the grass watch the sky explode ova the arch in orange and red and gold white and blue i pray the city don't fall apart i pray some colored flame don't hit the mighty mud and rock ah boats like noah in the flood when gawd made him save two of evrthing in the storm i wonda what his woman think when he bring on two mo if her heart curl up like the corners of his lips were the comers of her eyes wet and his tongue sharp as beer glass flung in grassy patches slicin black streets like hopscotch squares or back alley cracks where rock mamas suck down smoke and store they babies like tight lipped jars of unheard prayers 6 ninth ward crouched beneath a dirty mouth river the tongues a city forgot droop and float behind claiborne lick around st. benard parish any day they will sink and sew root here the dead slice thru cypress swamps like gator heads swell and stick out as bald trees knees or knuckled branches of wax myrtle here the waters rush and swallow the nine like sloe gin the dark roux and chicory skins the motley creole mouths oh to fiddle and playa cajun squeezebox under muddy blues to dance louisiana zydeco brush stepping to eat the beat the unclaimed fat as pickle meat the babies pan-fried in the shade slumped over shotgun camelbacks the old river testifying 7 before the war of the righteous everybody go get saved here a worn and weary crowd gather in summer months flood the streets and stuff their souls with blessings by the bucket they babble prayer revive themselves in testimony and sweat till sin lifts from their skins like steam or an unbound spirit oh you ought to hear the hydrants unhinge and murmur you ought to follow the faithful who choose their threads with glory in mind who come clean and heavenly billowing sheaths skirts slacks and shower caps they sanctifY the avenue wade in petrified rivers bethesda jordan the potomac and shaw district if gawd be a wave in the conk of sweet daddy grace let the concrete give way and cry out let the waters roll and cover the lot touch every zoot suited apostles' hem the sinners and repenting flock lawd bless this place steady the hosing hands 8 meditation on a little black dress because someone said every woman loves hers i open my closet sort through flirty numbers perched on hangers spaghetti straps and baby doll minis plunging v-necks and a-lines i think how to accessorize what beads to fit the bodice pearls or stones or plastic baubles sandals or stiletto peep toe pumps oh raven swatch of femininity because someone said every woman needs one i think of my own who prefers a tie and starched oxford suspenders creased slacks and buck skin loafers for certain a fedora strips of color or a scarlet feather before the tipped brim oh sequined night what becomes of the outliers who swagger and dip their hats 9 who are handsome and pretty-eyed lace their hands round curvaceous silhouettes but care not for the fit of your feel what becomes of the ruffled hip smoothed by a cupped black palm someone will watch this play out perhaps legs cross or tangle or undo themselves perhaps a finger_ slipping up a side seam to buckle round the waist someone will look twice see we are satisfied say nothing 10 from the purple letters winter 1940 mis celie- we in saint louis how you i doin fine got spots to play here till april last night we played on the river and you ain't seen so many folk all crowdin in the water to hear us make some noise mens wit they pant legs rolled up almost to they knees them was smokin and hootin we had us a good time and the womens they faces pretty as camellias they red red lips and sassyfrass spray they was swayin like hymns or sweetgum trees they was lovin it 11 and today i went and got me a floppy yellow hat and some beads and earrings and things to match it up to i'ma wear it for you when i come gon sing fo you too us gon dance to jelly roll till yo smile come from behind them big pretty lips you got when you smile i wants to kiss you take my time like you a new tune i can't quit hummin make my lips buzz it feel so good when you smile i wants to kiss you and when i kiss you us jus gon laugh and laugh you rub on me like august like lightnin bugs stickin to night you what keep me saved make me rememba even the flies and things is pretty cause gawd make em like so like the tupelo and persimmon the coffee trees celie even the pot belly frog you make me feel like that fine to be fine or ugly or loud and it's alright by me who i is to run off and leave you lonely fah some chump gig a good time in a big city wit a man layin an leanin all on me when i too busy singin bout what give us de blues how albert he keeping his hands to hisself look you feed him keep him shaved keep him clappin in church and drinkin at the juke he don't need no rna from you you sho is somethin sometime jus a puzzle i think bout you settn out front in de rocker wit de bible or some fat book in yo lap be wondm what you see in all dem pages what you see when yo eyes close or snag a cloud seem like dey get wild wit dream like somthin get a fixt an like to fly you way yo eyes like a sweet kinda sad song seem like dey what flowers moan and cry to don get carried wayan de melody miss celie don you go far too soon shug 12 how the child was named by the light of moon here is the story as i remember: it is night you are swollen feet and heavy belly thin robe and mute blues snoring pregnant with dream i imagine a house and husband a mustached man with green or grey shut eyes his mouth sipping your neck like coffee or chocolate where are his hands does he press his head into your soft spots perhaps a furnace knocks or a soul record is spinning say it is aretha and she sews song as frankincense sticks burn out and the sweet spiced brick house sleeps perhaps none of this god calls you and you wake or suddenly you wake and gawd appears 13 disguised as a cloud that multiples and assembles into a staircase you climb it to the ceiling above the roof shingles and chimney up into the dark dark dark 14 and gawd says step into the night so you do he says search the stars and choose a child from among them what happens before you pick me out are you weightless in the night swatting brambles of sky does gawd stretch a great hand over your belly does he ask first may i touch do you ask my lawd why me you collect stars like poppies or calla lilies cradle the light like blooms or a soft boned head you lean into a hip of shadowed moon sift through the wild bouquet like loves and loves-me-not mama tell me is gawd my father are you a holy vessel a martyr or sinner gone straight we do not speak of these things or him whom some call savior when you return to sleep or a queen framed bed to a husband or aretha fading into hum and phonographic hiss you are swaddled in cloud and star dust a name or dream burned into your palm you know i am a girl you pray i am the color of gawd given night my eyes twinkling keepsakes you wish me a cool road a callous-less 15 sojourn a conjurers touch that i will make a man stay put keep a house warm you say my soul will be a light in shadows a divine secret sweet as the moon 16 catchin the spirit mama i faked the holy ghost i couldn't help it all the play couzins got it they fell out in choir rehearsal they switched sundays their bronze faces beyond us those bean pole amlS twerking with the spirit slapping air maybe a cheek or chancel robed chest bone the piano playas hip or wire rim waist i watch them girls shout and get happy and collapse in the sanctuary whine and wail during alter call eyes wet till the benediction they mamas friends and kin diligent as saints praise the blood ofjeezus wave they hands from they balcony pews thankin gawd for redemption mama i musta been the last untouched heathen left to cry and give it up some july the ushers bowed hearts lined the sanctuary they sales tappin in wait i let loose on selection b overcome with the everlasting swagger and swoon of the gospel first the tears the handclap my body a testament i got to shake the devil outta me i stomp the whole notes when the sopranos shrill till my breath run out mama you want gawd to slap the joy in my heart you got a mouthful of scripture you tongue me down bawlin like the others thankin gawd in refrain i make you a believer mama like you shoulda been ghost in me or not at all 17 nightlight the first night my father comes at me i do not remember any light at all the sky let go like a flailing squid dark blue darker purple what i see when his fist pulls back like my jaw in the mirror in the morning the black crescent of skin beneath my left eye for days i see only stars and floating blocks of blue i search every bit of night outside my window for a star to cling to like jeezus when i sleep i devour the night all her children chew the light out suck it down like the holy word a keepsake or sweet-tart in my sleep i open my mouth shoot up my father's night something horrible like the june one i cannot turn loose window open still salt air hanging in the black light my bedroom door cracked enough for a whisper to pass when he pushes against it or me i try not to think of strange things the moonshine in his breath his breath too close to my own my body pulled into itself like a still black shell he takes handfuls of my night as though i were a grab bag of flaming blue marbles shifting weight 18 he comes erect as a wall shadow the moon stiff against the dark her keen eye and full mouth my only witness but does not slink or squeal to a soul 19 hymn set the pitch deacon and trouble my tone make it slow heavy as day gimme a good psalm gimme something to cling to get down low growl hard and moan a hallelujah song come grease my sin-sick soul be my balm till jeezus get back and heal my cry hear my plea he listen close and take his time he come to make me whole i fall on my knees oh sing down low chilren if you believe oh hum real sweet and lean on faith roll me like a river leave my burdens by the sea and gawd gone give me peace fa alia my days revive my soul savior keep me sanctified come now holy ghost i'm ready to be baptized 20 consecration he eats canned peaches from a cracked white bowl leaves the juice to tongue the blanch bellies shrinks into sterile pillows flushed and finished he hates canned fruit those peaches floating belly up like unfed fish in front of him the gentle current of syrup his eyes ebbing with the tow while no one watches i pluck each sopping wedge from the juice lick my fingers i braid his hair shuck the fruit down fork to mouth i kiss his lips gloss the dead skin with sweet concentrate eyes closed i know he is not watching his rust face ashen and still the rise and fall of corseted bones 21 i line up cans of peaches crack open their tin lids pray over the lot each sharp tooth mouth full of sweet sinking meat what if i pour out the stilled fruit bless your drying body communion and oil the itch your cracking skin if i rub your purple red sores once i read a leper cast out and faithful fed for days on peaches shed scabs and hard boiled skin danced in praise while shouting holy tell me you know the parable/miracle show me the magnificence of peaches peel back your lids and let loose your near gone limbs while god is watching we wade in a river troubled with peaches 22 ballad in blue margie with your skin so fair musta got it from your papa his blond skin and blue-eyed stare made him a wild devil in georgia heard his daddy was a knight rider masked in crisp white sheet suits hanged darkies and set lawn fires in macon and forsythye county too margie with your porcelain cheeks bet your mama tried to keep quiet cleaned and cooked but didn't speak bout what caused such a riot in '37 when you was barely two your papa and his blonde boy skin was halfway drunk down at the juke slapping bones and sipping gin soon the dark start thinning out and your papa put on his coat he lit a smoke and paid his lot 23 then headed toward the road he didn't see the rough silhouette leaned gainst his ford model t he woulda gone back in i bet grabbed a pistol a cue stick or three instead he walked out in his haze stepped to and stared at the man who raped his mama and set a blaze made her crazy and charred the family land your papa had his daddy's blue eyes and his daddy could hardly bear to see so he beat his boy till no one recognized the bloated body swinging from the tree margie with your daddy's smile forgive your mama in her woeful rut she was only tryin to spare you child bout why your daddy was strung up 24 because you were buried before i was born after a wreath for emit till what then have i to give you boy your grave older than all i've known what laurels how to tend your soil your wreath all strung your mama a dignified mess we've seen your face the 01' poplar still stumped with horror what have i to give you what will you take orange blossom a white chrysanthemum yarrow or chestnut heaps of willows if i were a reaper boy i'd snatch weeds from round your stone knead earth 'til stalks of hyacinth pushed thru as if to say forgive the whistle and howl of bitter night callow fruit hoisted on a well known branch the stretch and tear of swollen hearts a cradled breath snapped into kindling 25 mapping in santa monica a fat lipped clawfoot wants to suck my bones the tub drain my curls my shoulder prints stamped in plum painted drywall on hill street the comer cook slaps cabbage on my pupusa the concrete blushing piss and flicked butts remembers my face there are floorboards in los angeles my blood sour in their grain on first street off wilshire th~ let loose pot of grits stains the back of my head the peach shag carpet and punch-out of glass front door for weeks i vacuum and comb out the hominy in oakland the skillet will testify after a night of fried catfish and pickles the kitchen yellowed and weary the old oil crusting in the stove's left front eye a butcher knife bit into my neck and dared not leave a crumb 26 soul brotha numba one now here u come bustin outta augusta clay face curler set conk an bouffant u come out louis jordan's tenor swing and jump up u come wit a bag of tricks buttah dancin inna middle of little richard's boogie woogie talkin bout pleeeeeez pleeeeez for an hour man u come out yo dusty mother of a truck into carolina tire shot out window allover yo front seat lookin for the ricochet the dope and the pig that got u runnin youza big mouthed slew foot sonofabitch you make the girls wet woo the white folk shoutin and screamin bout who u iz an what u got u get ah feet movin u get ah heart get on yo knees an grease the mic wit yo midnight magic sweat yo bent low soul back draped in glitter yo pulpit grit baritone youza blk revolutionary sonofabitch we wanna touch yo cape we wanna be blk an get loud 27 and get up and get nappy we wanna be proud and knot into fists papa iz we together or we ain't u squiggle footin cross the stage alladeez years cross so and so face she gotta fat lip u gotta slap of pomade in yo hand slickin back da kink when u die it's a sold out show allaharlem lineup and wrap round the apollo way up to 130th street for days and days mournin the power in yo blk skin yo dazzlin cape yo sequined shoes yo gold casket concert televised coast to coast the moans of blk folk pleeeeeez man pleeeez 28 resurrection uncle when they burn your body i am only nine and believe you have been properly blessed let go in carolina welcomed into the atlantic i believe you will reappear like a scroll of love notes tucked into a soda bottle you will foot it on other shores a virgin island or cayman the antilles perhaps havana perhaps you will fly back to god like a sparrow or angels eye for years i wait for an ash to wash up for your ghost to crest like neptune perhaps you will rise up and explode become a super nova a cluster of winking stars uncle let me mourn your organs and limbs let me plant what is left in my front yard 29 let the rain kneel in memoriam let me find you in a shade flower a bleeding heart or lenten rose i have tended the ground poured water over dirt cinders and bone tell me what will grow now 30 the great get up let me tell you how it'll go down when the saints gather and get clean neck ties intact white veiled crowns aslant hands pressed into brownstone steeples oh the bowed and reverent souls how they become a miracle and rise up like prayer like lazerus or ancestors goin to glory in a faithful herd the trombones gon sound some tambourines and hand claps the sky gon peel back for the almighty to judge the secrets he gon shut up the sun singe the stars and crackle in the dark when the moon bleeds and cinders rain won't no rock hide a shadow sinner your mouth an open grave your tongue a whip of deceit when all earth belch a fire how far you gon get wit no travelin shoes run and roll on like thunder if you want to go on and bare your teeth in tribulation howl in the bottomless pit and burn with beasts and brimstone while angels sing from new jeruselem oh rocka my rocka my rocka my soul 31