FISHBOWL A SCREENPLAY by KYLE YAMADA A THESIS Presented to the Department of History and the Honors College of the University of Oregon in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Bachelor of Arts August 1999 ii APPROVED: Dr. Julia Lesage Copyright 1999 Kyle Yamada iv An Abstract of the Thesis of Kyle Yamada for the degree of Bachelor of Arts in the Department of History to be taken August 1999 Title: FISHBOWL: A SCREENPLAY Approved: Craig Johnson is stuck at the bottom of the high school caste system. When his eye falls on Maike Yoshida, the brainy girl from his math class, he decides that an exotic Asian girlfriend is the ticket out of his dreary adolescent ennui. To his surprise, Craig soon discovers that Maike is just as German as she is Japanese, and more American than anything else. Meanwhile, Craig's friends draw him into a series of petty revenge schemes against a group of white jocks who see themselves as black gangstas. The only non­ Caucasian member of the group is Mark, who turns out to be Maike's younger brother. Craig must decide between his lust for revenge and his desire to pursue a developing relationship. Craig sets his anger aside, but he still needs to outgrow his Asian fetish to win Maike over in the long run. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I would like to thank Dr. Julia Lesage and Cai Emmons for their advice and input throughout the writing process. Their suggestions challenged me to improve Fishbowl when I might have otherwise been content to leave well enough alone. I would also like to thank Debbie Levy for her help at every step along the way. Without her support, I never would have dared drop my original thesis and written the one in your hands. vi INTRODUCTION A good portion of my personality is attributable to a simple realization that hit me sometime in my childhood: There just aren't many other Japanese-American/German- Canadians out there. Not that I feel alienated or anything— I just don't know what the hell I'm supposed to be half the time. I honestly cannot predict, for example, if a new acquaintance will instantly recognize my Asian features, or if months will go by before he wonders if "Yamada" is a Japanese name. Oddly enough, this phenomenon does not apply to my German side—no one ever asks me if I am part European. What am I supposed to make of all this when my second language is German, and my Japanese is limited to the sushi menu? I could go on ad nauseum about the little idiosyncrasies and cultural ambiguities that permeate my life, but I'd probably lose sight of the original purpose of this introduction-that is, to discuss the inspiration and creative process behind Ei_shb_owl, my second feature-length screenplay. Suffice it to say that my variegated background has produced a host of charming little neuroses that I yearn to give vent to. Another veritable gold mine of neuroses has been my middle school and high school experiences. I still don't vii exactly know what made me a favorite target for the "popular" kids. I suppose it had something to do with my awkward bearing, utter lack of a fashion sense, and, yeah, maybe having a funny name didn't help. In any case, adolescence left me with deep scars that still open into wounds when I think about the merciless taunting that I endured. Ever since they were inflicted, I have felt a strong need to treat those wounds through some kind of artistic medium. By manipulating my old enemies as characters in a world of my creation, I have sought to extract the revenge that eluded me as a teenager. Sure, it may sound a little pathetic, but it beats going postal in the cafeteria. So I have had two major sources of angst ready to fuel the creative fires. The only problem was, for years I lacked a clear idea of the form my creative endeavor would take. The one thing I was sure of was that it would be a movie. I would be a liar if I said that the potency of film was not part of its appeal. They say a picture's worth a thousand words, so try multiplying that factor by film's twenty-four pictures per second; each minute yields over 1.4 million words. And the pen is mightier than the sword. Film has certainly lived up to this lofty projection through its use in political propaganda, news (often the same thing), advertising and, of course, art. Theater also puts live action in front of an audience, but it can't rival viii cinema's instantaneous scene and costume changes, flexible points of view, utterly realistic locations and mass distribution (if one can get a distributor). Besides, how many people still go to the theater on Saturday night? Film's potency may have been seductive, but it was not the only thing that inspired me to make a feature of my own. Simply growing up in the age of video explains a large part of my obsession with the moving image. My dad bought a Betamax video camera somewhere around the time the original Macintosh came out, and I've been hooked ever since. The technology changes (thank god), but the drive remains. The tricky part is that as a project increases in length, the difficulty and cost of putting it together increase exponentially. With my thesis looming in the not-so-distant future, I realized a little over a year ago that I had neither the time nor the resources to produce an entire film. Instead, I chose to focus on the very first step in the process: writing a screenplay. I still had not channeled my inspiration into a workable idea, but I needed to at least decide on a format. Writing a screenplay was both logical and practical. I had to start somewhere, and I could author a script without actors, a crew or money. Maybe that's why every busboy in L.A. has a script. Logistically, screenwriting may be easier than actually making an entire film, but there are also challenges inherent in writing a feature-length, character-driven script that are not so prominent when shooting a five-minute short. The most dangerous trap a beginning screenwriter can fall into is forgetting that his words get translated into images. What works on the printed page doesn't necessarily cut it on the screen—that's why the movie is never faithful to the book. In order to reduce the risk of writing a visually drab script, my advisor, Julia Lesage, recommended that I specify the camera angle for each individual shot. This explains my script's unusual format. Normally, the screenwriter uses virtually no camera direction—calling the shots is the director's job. Thinking about the individual shots has been useful for me, however, since it has forced me to evaluate the visual elements of each scene. When I submit Fishbowl to screenwriting contests, I will naturally excise nearly all references to the camera, but the contest version will still have benefited from my early focus on individual shots. Another obstacle for the beginning screenwriter is the daunting length of feature films. Aside from my first feature, which I wrote last year, every piece I had written before Fishbowl was less than fifteen minutes long. As I quickly discovered, the abovementioned rule about added length increasing the difficulty of a production exponentially also applies to writing. Greater length generally means a more complex plot, more characters and more locations. Keeping all of the elements balanced X becomes vastly more complicated in a feature than in a five- minute short. One convention that helped me bring some order to the madness was the traditional three-act structure. Most features are organized around this template, since it gives the screenwriter an idea of where to put the climaxes and the lulls in the action. Dividing the script into three main parts also breaks a seemingly endless narrative into more manageable chunks. The downside of the three-act structure is that it can lead to predictable, formulaic scripts. If the couple is together by the end of the first act, something's bound to tear the lovebirds apart by the end of the second, and the third act will bring them back together. Okay, so I just gave away the whole story to Fishbowl. I don't think adhering to a certain structure is necessarily detrimental, however—just look at the Canterbury Tales, all in iambic pentameter (my honors college education has been useful for something!). I would like go beyond the three-act structure in future scripts, but as a beginner, it has given me something to lean on. If the content is fresh, a conventional, even predictable structure needn't make for an unoriginal film. Finding that fresh content is easier said than done; it was undoubtedly the biggest challenge I encountered in the writing process. I had plenty of inspiration and angst to work with, but I wasn't quite sure how to tap my creative xi juices. I toyed with a couple of different teen revenge ideas—one about a group of high school nerds who save the world from evil jocks that transform into flesh-eating monsters, another about a Kip Kinkel-esque kid who blows away a random group of his peers—but neither story really materialized. Dealing with ambiguous identity in a script hardly even occurred to me because I felt too close to the topic to write about it objectively. I was worried that the film would run like a bad autobiography starring me as the all-important hero, and that all the other characters would come off as cardboard cut-outs set up only to support my own ego. I finally resorted to revising my first script, a comedy about college freshmen living in a dorm, but I was already burnt out from working on it for so long, and I was also having serious problems making the female characters believable. I was all but set on revising that first feature for my thesis when a new possibility arose. My epiphany came after a session of Julia Lesage's screenwriting class. Professor Lesage suggested that when drawing on personal experience, my classmates and I use characters of the opposite gender in order create a little distance. That advice was the catalyst I had been awaiting for months. The next class assignment was to write a single scene involving conflict, so I wrote a date between a half Japanese-, half German-American girl and a nerdy white guy. I had effectively killed two birds with one stone; I felt distanced enough from Maike, the heroine, to write about her objectively, but her familiar ethnic composition made it easy for me to relate to her, enabling me to paint a realistic female character. Craig was also easy, since I could relate to his nerdiness yet distance myself through his single-parent upbringing and his exclusively European background. With the two key characters in place, the floodgates containing my creativity finally burst. I expanded the original diner scene into a thirty-minute short script for final project of my screenwriting class, and the story mushroomed from there into the following feature­ length comedy. Along with further developing the love story, I introduced the conflict between Craig's friends and the jocks in the feature version, giving me an outlet for the anger that I had been seeking to express for so long. I had found a way to weave two important themes in my life into one cohesive narrative. I finally had both the inspiration and the idea I needed to write my script, but with will and concept alone I would have gotten about as far as Bob Dole without Viagra. The truth is, Fishbowl would not have been possible without the innumerable films that have shaped the way I think about cinema. The ever-popular teen genre is particularly heavy on conventions that I have probably adopted wholesale without even thinking about it. Works like John Hughes' eighties classics TKe^Bxeakf a.siL_C.lub, and xiii Some—Kind—of Wonderful set the standard for romantic teen comedies and were certainly lingering somewhere in the back of my mind as I wrote Ei_shhowl. Hughes' skillful manipulation of teen stereotypes and his predilection for pairing unlikely lovers are just a couple of the hallmarks that I aspired to in my own script. The darker side of my psyche drew from Michael Lehmann's Heathers (written by Daniel Waters). The idea of teenagers who kill the snobs and bullies of their school was the inspiration behind Carson and Doug's petty revenge schemes. Both Hughes' films and Heathers are decidedly lacking in one area, however; they seem to take place in some kind of hermetically sealed Biosphere II or Truman Show dome built exclusively for white people. When minorities do stumble into Hughes' WASP nest, it is almost invariably as stereotypes in insignificant roles (take the tough black kids from Some-Kind of Wonderful, or the bar full of Amoses and Andys in Weird Science). Clearly, I could not look to my favorite high school films for models of multicultural interaction. Fortunately, there were a number of movies I could turn to to see intelligent representations of cross-cultural interaction. I like to call features like Double—Happine_s_s..,- Bagdad Cafe, Miools.s±pp±-MaoaLa and ToAyo_Cowboy "ethnic blender" films because they basically throw ethnically disparate characters into a vegematic and hit purée. The resulting concoction is often peculiar, but never boring. I xiv particularly enjoy watching characters squirm through myriad faux—p_a_s. as they stumble down the road to mutual understanding (a reaction my German half would identify as Sohadejiireiide—pleasure derived from witnessing someone else's pain). Having seen ethnically diverse characters interact on screen was encouraging when I wrote Fishbowl because I knew that what I was attempting could be done. Had I never seen an ethnic blender film, it might have never occurred to me to write one of my own. At the same time, the relative scarcity of such films was also encouraging—I didn't feel like I was retreading old ground. I have yet to see a film with a character quite like Maike—I've struck on an ethnic composition so unique, I could probably patent it. Between putting a multicultural twist on the teen comedy and forging a new vein in the hardly-tapped ethnic blender genre, I feel that I have created something truly novel. Even if Fishbowl isn't entirely original, I am confident that it takes a fresh approach to both genres that it borrows from. The ultimate test, however, is what audiences think of Fishbowl. Until it is up on screens, that means readers like you. Demographically speaking, you are probably a white, middle to upper-middle class university student. I am not describing my target audience, merely the average person who passes time in the honors college library. Regardless of background, you should be able to relate to XV (or at least visualize) many of the situations I deal with in Eishbowl. I'd like to know what you think of my work, so in order to gauge reader reaction, I have designed a handy little test. I'll probably drop by the honors college now and then to see what people have been marking. So here goes: 1. If you willingly read to the end (and don't just skim), then I have succeeded, in at least some small way, as a screenwriter. Put a smiley face on the blank back page. 2. If you laugh out loud, even just once, I get to add a notch to my belt. You also add another smiley. (I reserve the right to add a notch for each additional laugh.) 3. If the characters seem real and the story is gripping, add yet another smiley. You just gave me a high-octane ego boost. 4. If you read the character biographies at the end (tools I used in the writing process), give me a fourth and final grin. You certainly have a lot of free time, don't you? Sign your name if you like. Also, feel free to insert any comments on a separate piece of paper. I'll get the picture if I see a bunch of Mr. Yucks. Or death threats. xvi But enough rambling—see for yourself what I've been rambling about. I sincerely hope you enjoy reading Fishbowl as much as I enjoyed writing it. xvii TABLE OF CONTENTS Page INTRODUCTION........................................... vi FISHBOWL............................................... 1 APPENDIX............................................... 116 WORKS CITED............................................ 124 FISHBOWL 2. FADE IN: MS - A TROPICAL FISH with colorful fins and body swims against the current. The sound of an ENGINE becomes audible somewhere in the distance before it suddenly cuts out. A school of identical, monochrome minnows drifts on screen from the opposite direction, making the original fish stick out like a deadhead at Michael Bolton concert. A door SLAMS in the background followed by a WOMAN'S voice. WOMAN Craig... Craig! Are you up yet? You're going to sleep right through your math test. The CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal that the fish are actually part of a computer screen saver. As more of the surroundings become visible, we begin to realize where we are : INT. TEENAGER'S BEDROOM - DAY The walls display posters for obscure bands and irreverent slogans clipped from adds, like "think different." Without these clues, it would be impossible to place the inhabitant's age--the room is unnaturally immaculate for a teenage lair. What kind of kid is so tidy? Whoever he is, he stubbornly hides himself from the world under his covers, ignoring his mother's pestering. 2 MS - DOORWAY The woman, DENIS.E JOHNSON, bursts into the room. She is in her late thirties and wears a nurse's uniform. DENISE Did you hear me? You're going to be late for school. 3 CU - BED No longer able to ignore his mother, the slumbering teen finally throws the covers from his head. It's CRAIG JOHNSON, a white sixteen-year-old with a few zits and relatively short hair. He really wanted that beauty sleep. (CONTINUED) 3. CRAIG Don't worry about it--there's plenty of time to drive. 4 MS - DENISE DENISE I need the car this afternoon. 5 MS - CRAIG He suddenly raises himself to a sitting position. CRAIG Shit mom, why didn't you tell me last night? 6 SERIES OF SHOTS - CRAIG'S MORNING ROUTINE A) A dirty shirt hits the laundry basket. B) Craig's head pops through a fresh shirt. C) Craig wets down his hair in the bathroom. D) He rolls on deodorant under his shirt. 7 INT. KITCHENETTE - DAY MS - DENISE Craig darts around her to grab a banana and a root beer as she removes an instant dinner from the microwave. CRAIG How was your day? DENISE Great —no one died. Craig rushes off to make his test. DENISE Good luck. 8 EXT. CRAIG'S HOUSE - DAY MS - CRAIG He closes the door behind him and looks over to see 9 LS - A GIRL standing in the driveway by the car. 10 ANGLE - CRAIG as he approaches her. CRAIG Hey, Samantha. 11 MS - CRAIG AND GIRL SAMANTHA, sixteen, is a tall girl who wears almost all black. Her punk, dyed hair practically screams at us, as does the ring through her nose. She leans on an oversized instrument case—she plays the cello. CRAIG Looks like a bus day. SAMANTHA Shit, we've gotta move! 12 EXT. STREET - DAY MS - CRAIG AND SAMANTHA in profile. Although weighted down with her instrument, Samantha keeps a few paces ahead of her neighbor, who puffs until he finally catches up. SAMANTHA Like my new ring? She gestures at a band through her nose. CRAIG (noticing for the first time) Oh. . . neat. SAMANTHA Birthday present from my parents. 13 EXT. BUS STOP - DAY XLS - BUS pulling into the street. Samantha and Craig just manage to flag it down before it escapes. 14 INT. BUS - DAY MS - ENTRANCE The DRIVER, a burly-looking fellow with a beard, watches Samantha lug her cello aboard. (CONTINUED) 5. DRIVER Hornin' Samantha. SAMANTHA Hey, Floyd. Craig hops on once the way is clear. 15 LS - AISLE The bus is practically full, but Samantha spots one seat near the front. She stops next to it and gestures to Craig. SAMANTHA After you. 16 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG That's all right--I see one down there. 17 LS - AISLE Samantha takes the seat, and Craig squirms around the instrument protruding into the aisle. 18 MCU - CRAIG with his eyes fixed ahead of him as he makes his way toward his seat. A VOICE from the back grabs his attention. VOICE Craig-fag! 19 CRAIG'S POV - PASSENGERS Craig scans row upon row of oblivious students engaged in conversation or just staring blankly ahead. His gaze rests on a group of white jocks in the back wearing baseball caps and name-brand athletic wear. A couple of them SNIGGER. BACK TO SHOT Craig looks away and moves on. 20 MS - SCRAWNY KID sitting next to the empty seat. It's Craig's friend DOUG, fifteen. (CONTINUED) 6. DOUG Whoa, Look who decided to show up today. Craig sits down next to him. CRAIG Hey, Doug. What's up? The bus starts to roll. 21 OVER THE SHOULDER - DOUG DOUG Man, I totally scored last night. CRAIG Yeah? DOUG I was on pound-warez--swapped a cracked copy Death Quest Four for a pre-beta version of Blood Lust. 22 REVERSE SHOT - CRAIG Doug waves a high-capacity disk in his friend's face. CRAIG You're shitting me. DOUG Dream on. This won't be in stores for another year. CRAIG Can I copy it? 23 MS - CRAIG AND DOUG DOUG Beg. CRAIG (sarcastically) Oh, most elite hacker, willst thou bestow the fruits of thy conquest on thy most humble servant ? Doug strikes a Napoleonic pose and contemplates Craig's request. A spitwad strikes him down at the height of his glory. 24 MCU - DOUG as he picks the saliva-soaked paper out of his hair to examine it. DOUG What the fuck? A SNIGGER comes from the back of the bus. 25 MS - CRAIG AND DOUG Doug shoots an indignant glance over the back of his seat. CRAIG Just ignore them. DOUG (to himself) Fucking assholes. Doug spits into his hand, leans over the seat and sends the present back, freshly moistened, before settling back down in his seat. A moment passes, then a veritable hailstorm of spitwads lands on Doug, Craig and the people around them. Doug silently seethes; Craig looks resigned to another day in hell. 26 INT. SCHOOL OFFICE - DAY Samantha reads into a microphone with not a little sarcasm. SAMANTHA And finally, the Young Republicans meet tomorrow morning at*the flagpole, seven-thirty sharp... 27 INT. HALLWAY - DAY It is empty except for a few STRAGGLERS heading off to class. SAMANTHA (v.o.) to recite the pledge of allegiance.... 28 INT. CLASSROOM - DAY A TEACHER hands tests to the first student in each row. (CONTINUED) 8 . SAMANTHA (v.O.) This is not a school-sponsored event. And don't forget... 29 MS - CRAIG as he receives a copy of the test and passes the rest back. SAMANTHA (v.o.) about Tuesday's locker inspection. Have a great day! Craig flips through the test a bit, assessing the difficulty. He lets out a sigh, then digs in. DISSOLVE TO: 30 MS - CRAIG still at the desk, staring at a problem with consternation. He looks up to re-focus, then notices something out of the corner of his eye. 31 CRAIG'S POV - ASIAN GIRL dressed conservatively. She hands in her test while everyone else still slaves away. 32 BACK TO SHOT Craig watches her for a moment, bewildered, before getting back to work. 33 INT. CAFETERIA - DAY MS - JOCKS It is the same group of bullies from the bus—JOE, JIM, JOHN, JOSH and MARK. They are large for their ages—all between fifteen and sixteen—and look as white as Wonder Bread. Only Mark stands out with his Asian features. JOSH That chick is fresh, man. JOE I'd let her suck my dick, but she too skanky to screw. JIM You homos talk all you want—I'm gettin' my woody waxed tonight. (CONTINUED) 9. ZIP PAN into an MCU of Mark. MARK By who, your mamma? The other guys SNICKER. ZIP PAN into an MCU of Jim. JIM No, with Lisa! I'm gonna fuck her so smooth and sensual, she'll be screamin' for more. She'll be all. . . ZIP PAN back to Mark. MARK Woof? 34 MS - JOCKS The other guys burst into LAUGHTER; Joe gives Mark a high five. JOHN (to Jim) Dude, you should dump that ho. JOSH Mooooo! Mooooooo! JIM Hey, fuck all you queers, (to Mark) I oughta fuckin' kick your ass. 35 CU - MARK MARK Try me, asshole. ZIP PAN into a CU of Josh. JOSH (to Jim) Watch out for Mark's Kung-Fu kick! ZIP PAN back to Mark (CONTINUED) 10. MARK (to Josh) What the fuck? I ain't no fuckin' Chink. ZIP PAN into a CU of Jim JIM Well then, what the fuck are you, bitch? 36 CU - MARK He ponders the question a moment before responding. MARK I'm black. 37 INT. CAFETERIA/CRAIG'S TABLE - DAY - SAME TIME MS - CRAIG AND FRIENDS CARSON, seventeen, is a portly fellow with a bit of an acne problem. He and Doug gaze past Craig at some off­ screen beauties. DOUG I talked to her the other day. CARSON Yeah, right. 38 MCU - DOUG nibbling on a cinnamon roll. DOUG It's true--I said "hi," and she said "hi" back--real nice, too. 39 MCU - CARSON He looks genuinely impressed. CARSON I'm gonna talk to Jessica. Working my way up to it. 40 INT. CAFETERIA/JOCKS' TABLE - DAY MCU - MARK weathering the storm as his friends LAUGH at him. (CONTINUED) 11. JOE (o.s.) Dude, you are so not black. 41 MCU - JOE Josh SNEEZES at his side. JOE You got like two degrees of separation in your way--the plastic surgery and the tanning salon. 42 MCU - MARK MARK Like you're so African. 43 MCU - JOE JOE More African than you, bitch. JIM (o.s.) Word up, G. 44 CU - MARK His friends' remarks don't sit well with him, but he knows he can't win. MARK Hey, what the fuck's goin' on over there? 45 MS - JOCKS They look over their shoulders. 46 JOCKS' POV - CRAIG, CARSON AND DOUG The latter two have their gazes fixed to something off screen. ZIP PAN to a table of PREPPY GIRLS. 47 CU - JOE JOE They're ogling our women. 12 . 48 INT. CAFETERIA/CRAIG'S TABLE - DAY MCU - CARSON CARSON How 'bout you, Craig? Which one would you pick? 4 9 MCU - CRAIG He looks over his shoulder. CRAIG Of those girls? Oh god, I don't know. 50 FLASHBACK - PREPPY GIRLS CRAIG'S POV - VICKI A girl with straight, blond hair wearing way too much makeup shakes her head in disbelief. SUPER the name "Vicki" at the bottom of the screen. VICKI You are sooooooo weird. 51 CRAIG'S POV - SHANNON Similar in looks to the previous girl, she slams shut a copy of Jane Austen's Emma. SUPER "Shannon" at the bottom of the screen. SHANNON I hate this book. It totally rips off Clueless. 52 CRAIG'S POV - PEPPER SUPER the name "Pepper" at the bottom of the screen. She doesn't look quite as plastic, but from her expression it's obvious that she's trying to break some bad news. PEPPER Craig, you're a really nice guy... BACK TO PRESENT DAY 13. 53 MS - CRAIG CRAIG They all seem the same to me. I want something... I dunno... different. 54 MCU - CARSON CARSON (paternalistically) You'll find one. JOE (o.s.) Yo. . . 55 MLS - JOCKS advancing in a line with Joe at the head. JOE punks! Whachya doin' lookin' at our bitches? 56 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Relax, we weren't looking at your "bitches." 57 MLS - MARK, JOE AND JIM Jim steps forward. JIM Yeah, why would a bunch of faggots be looking at girls, anyway? The jocks CHORTLE, accompanied by a SITCOM LAUGH TRACK. 58 CU - JOSH maliciously LAUGHING at the geeks. The LAUGH TRACK continues. 59 MS - JOHN as he gives Jim a high five. 60 MCU - CARSON looking on in disgust. The monstrous LAUGHTER persists-- (CONTINUED) 14 . until... CARSON Maybe you should see a shrink about that homophobia-- 61 MS - JOE, JIM AND JOHN JIM What? 62 MCU - CARSON CARSON You could be repressing something. 63 MS - JOE, JIM AND JOHN Jim takes another step forward. 64 MCU - CARSON in profile. Jim slams his hands on the table and sticks his face within an inch of Carson's. JIM If you ever talk to me like that again, I'll smear your ass all over the fucking pavement. 65 LOW ANGLE - JIM with every intention of making good on his threat. His friends stand in the background, ready to back him up. Josh SNEEZES. 66 MCU - CRAIG as he watches this bully intimidate his friend, not sure what to do. 67 MCU - CARSON visibly shaken. CARSON I--I'm sorry. 68 LOW ANGLE - JIM He holds his hand to his ear. (CONTINUED) 15 . JIM What? 69 MCU - CARSON CARSON I said I'm sorry for looking at your fucking bitches! 70 XLS - CAFETERIA STUDENTS all around the lunchroom turn to see the imbecile who made the offensive remark. 71 EXT. STREET - DAY THREE FIGHTERS ravage their hapless enemy—an army of NINJA CLONES. CRAIG (o.s.) Take that, you piece of shit! The sleek, Asian MARTIAL ARTS MASTER executes a roundhouse kick that sends her opponent flying. 72 INT. DOUG'S BASEMENT - DAY MS - CRAIG, DOUG AND CARSON in profile, staring at the screen in front of them with rage, pounding on their video game controllers. DOUG (mimicking Joe) You lookin' at my bitches? You lookin' at my bitches? 73 CU - VIDEO SCREEN The SWORDSMAN decapitates one of the ninjas. DOUG (as himself) No, I'm lookin' at you choke on my longsword, asshole. 74 CU - CARSON CARSON Die !!!!!!!!!!!!!! 16. 75 CU - VIDEO SCREEN A ROBOT clasps one of the ninjas, feet in the air, and repeatedly smashes his head into the ground. 76 INT. DOUG'S BASEMENT - NIGHT LS - DOUG, CRAIG AND CARSON The boys lie flat on their backs, tangled in the controller cables. The CAMERA looks down on them from above and slowly PUSHES IN while ROTATING. CRAIG My eyes have never been this sore. CARSON But it's a good kind of sore. DOUG Revenge kicks ass. 77 MCU - CRAIG still from above. CRAIG I wonder why those guys pick on us . DOUG (o.s.) Because they have a death wish? CRAIG Seriously. I mean, Carson and I are juniors--it's not like a seniority thing. CARSON (o.s.) It's 'cause we stick out, Craig. CRAIG Well, what makes us so different? I mean, do we smell? Is it our hair? Do we look like giant insects with hideous mandibles-- 78 MCU - CARSON CARSON Do we babble about stupid bullshit and play video games on a Friday night? 17 . 79 MS - CRAIG The CAMERA is horizontal now as he sits up. CRAIG You know, that's it. CARSON (o.s.) Ding! CRAIG I mean, shit, we're not even trying. We've gotta, like, reach out or something, you know? Carson comes into view as he props himself up on his elbows. CARSON What the hell are you talking about? 80 INT. DOUG'S BASEMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT MS - DOUG, CARSON AND CRAIG sitting in front of a phone that they've dragged into the middle of the floor. Doug flips through their school's student directory. CARSON I'm not touching the goddamn receiver. DOUG All right, then I'll go. Doug slaps down the directory, picks up the receiver and starts dialing. 81 MCU - DOUG DOUG Watch and learn. 82 MS - CARSON AND CRAIG They roll their eyes. 83 MCU - DOUG DOUG (on the phone) Hi, Christy? (MORE) (CONTINUED) 18 . DOUG (cont'd) This is Doug...from school, (pause) Oh, okay. Bye. He replaces the receiver to the cradle. DOUG She was on the other line. Said she'd call back. 84 MS - CARSON AND CRAIG CARSON And did she get your number? 85 MCU - DOUG stymied. 86 MCU - CRAIG holding the receiver. It's time to live up to his dare, and he looks about as calm as someone awaiting surgery. CRAIG Hello? Uh, I'd like to speak with Maike, please. 87 OVER THE SHOULDER - DOUG AND CARSON DOUG Who the hell is Maike? 88 MCU - CRAIG He covers the receiver with his palm. CRAIG (smug) Asian girl. 89 OVER THE SHOULDER - DOUG AND CARSON DOUG Aw-yeah! Carson gives him a disparaging look. 90 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG (on phone) Oh, hi, Maike? My name is Craig. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 19. CRAIG (coat'd) I'm in your trig class, (pause) What's that? Oh, pretty good— how about you? 91 MS - DOUG AND CARSON listening to Craig's conversation like it's the most vapid crap they've ever heard. CRAIG (o.s.) Wow, that's great. (pause) Oh, well, um, I just thought I'd call.... 92 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG I kind of wanted to ask you--I know this sounds stupid, but.... The invitation hangs on the tip of his tongue. CRAIG Do you know if the test is curved? 93 INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY MCU - STONER SHELBY, seventeen, the school's aspiring dealer, makes a hard sell for his wares. He sports disheveled threads (including a faded DARE T-shirt) and numerous piercings. SHELBY Uppers, downers, inners, outers, a whole rainbow of fruit flavor! I got shit you won't believe. 94 OVER THE SHOULDER - SAMANTHA does her best to dispose of the irritating apothecary as her best friend, sixteen-year-old MAIKE YOSHIDA (the Asian girl from Craig's math class), does her locker combo in the background. SAMANTHA You're right Shelby, I don't believe it. You don't even know where to get any of that stuff. Maike cracks open her locker, obscuring her face behind its door. She starts unloading books from her backpack. 20. 95 OVER THE SHOULDER - SHELBY SHELBY Hey, I met this guy the other day who said he knows someone who could hook me up with some weed. 96 OVER THE SHOULDER - SAMANTHA She gives him an incredulous look. 97 OVER THE SHOULDER - SHELBY SHELBY Check this shit out... He takes a bottle of Tylenol III out of his open locker. SHELBY That's with codeine--illegal without a prescription! There is only one vice principal in the world--it just has different faces. One of them appears on VICE PRINCIPAL DONALDSON as he approaches from down the hall in the background. The only thing that separates this man from the archetype is his shoulder-length hair, a remnant of a bygone era. MR. DONALDSON Hey, Shelby, what's happening? 98 MLS - MAIKE, SAMANTHA AND SHELBY The dealer tosses the pills in his locker and slams the door as he turns to face the disciplinarian. Donaldson walks into view. SHELBY Nothin', Mister D. 99 MS - SAMANTHA AND SHELBY SHELBY (to Samantha) I gotta jet. Don't wanna be late for personal finance. MR. DONALDSON (o.S.) Wait a moment... 21. 100 MCU - MR. DONALDSON MR. DONALDSON Where's your hall pass? 101 ANGLE - SHELBY AND MR. DONALDSON. SHELBY But class hasn't started yet. The bell RINGS. Donaldson looks like the master detective who just solved the big case. Samantha looks on in the background with malice in her eyes while Shelby gapes at the vice principal's duplicity. MR. DONALDSON See you in detention. Shelby gestures to Samantha and Maike. SHELBY What about them? 102 MCU - MR. DONALDSON MR. DONALDSON They're honor students. 103 MCU - SHELBY SHELBY That's whack. 104 ANGLE - SAMANTHA AND MR. DONALDSON look on as Shelby retreats down the hall. He doesn't notice the jocks and bumps into Joe. JOE Fucking stoner! 105 MS - SAMANTHA AND MR. DONALDSON Donaldson turns his attention to the student in front of him. MR. DONALDSON I like that nose ring, Samantha. SAMANTHA Um, thanks. (CONTINUED) 22. He gives her an approving nod. PAN with Donaldson as he walks off, crossing in front of Samantha, into an MS of Maike and Samantha. Maike shuts her locker, notebook in hand, as her friend watches the vice principal leave. Once he's out of earshot... SAMANTHA Why's it that the scarier I look, the more those fascists love me? Maike shrugs. MAIKE Grabs their attention? SAMANTHA Why doesn't it work with guys? MAIKE Shelby seemed interested. 106 MCU - SAMANTHA She rolls her eyes. SAMANTHA Please. 107 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE (hopping slightly) We'll talk about it later, okay? I've gotta get to the bathroom. 108 MCU - SAMANTHA nodding. SAMANTHA All right, see you, Maike. 109 INT. HALLWAY - DAY MS - MAIKE PAN with her as she approaches the women's room. Just before she can duck in, Craig pops into view opposite her. CRAIG Hi, Maike. (CONTINUED) 23. MAI KE Oh, hi, uh. . . CRAIG Craig. MAI KE Right. Did you get your test grade? CRAIG Oh, no—um, but that's not really why I called. Maike darts a glance at the bathroom. MAI KE Oh, really? 110 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Um, yeah--see, I wanted to ask you something else, but I was kind of embarrassed, and my friends were there, and it wasn't really my phone in the first place-- 111 MCU - MAIKE She squirms with physical discomfort. MAIKE So. . . 112 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG So I wanted to kind of invite you to, like, maybe dinner and a movie? 113 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE Sounds good. 114 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Really? 24 . 115 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE When? 116 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Tonight at seven. 117 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE On a school night? 118 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Well, I guess there's a lot of different times we could... 119 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE MAIKE (jumping up and down) Seven it is! Bye. She disappears into the bathroom, leaving Craig to wonder at his luck. 120 INT. CRAIG'S HOUSE/BATHROOM - DAY MS - CRAIG SINGING over the HISS of the shower behind the frosted plastic door. 121 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY - SAME TIME Denise lies asleep on the couch, still in her nurse's uniform. Across the room, the cordless phone RINGS. 122 INT. BATHROOM - DAY Craig continues his VICTORY BALLAD, unaware that the phone is ringing. 123 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY The phone RINGS again. Denise stirs, still half asleep. DENISE Craig! Get the phone! 25. 124 INT. CRAIG'S BATHROOM - DAY Craig keeps SINGING as a hand reaches for the shower door. 125 MS - CRAIG inside the shower. The door slides open to reveal Denise on the other side. 126 OVER THE SHOULDER - CRAIG as he turns away. CRAIG Aaagghhh!!! He shuts off the water. CRAIG Shit, Mom, give me some privacy. 127 OVER THE SHOULDER - DENISE She holds out the phone. DENISE It's for you. 128 MS - CRAIG Denise leaves the bathroom as her son brings the receiver to his ear. CRAIG Hello? 129 INT. DOUG'S ROOM - DAY - SAME TIME The place is a pit--dirty underwear, comic books and soda cans lie strewn all over the floor. The walls are plastered with posters of sports cars, models and video games. Doug sits on his bed next to Carson holding a crumpled piece of paper. DOUG Dude, we just scored! 130 INT. CRAIG'S BATHROOM - DAY MCU - CRAIG Disappointment spreads across Craig's face as he recognizes the voice. (CONTINUED) 26. CRAIG Really? Who with? DOUG (v.o.) Not like that. I saw that asshole jock stuff a note in someone's locker. It was sticking out, so I swiped it. CRAIG (drying himself) Doug, You never fail to amaze me. 131 INT. DOUG'S ROOM - DAY MS - DOUG AND CARSON CARSON (to Doug) Read him the note. DOUG Listen: 132 INT. CRAIG'S BATHROOM - DAY MCU - CRAIG DOUG (v.o.) "Dear Lisa, you're a real cool person. 133 INT. DOUG'S ROOM - DAY - LATER MCU - CRAIG He sits on a chair, reading the note. CRAIG "I think you are real great, 134 MCU - CARSON seated on the bed, squinting at the handwriting. CARSON "so please don't take this personally. FLASHBACK - JOCKS 135 INT. CAFETERIA - DAY MLS - JOCKS laughing maliciously, MOS. (CONTINUED) 27 . DOUG (v.o.) "My friends can be real hard. 136 MS - CARSON, DOUG AND CRAIG sitting at their table looking apprehensive. CRAIG (v.o.) "They don't like some people. 137 LOW ANGLE - JIM delivering a silent harangue. CARSON (v.o.) "And if I like these people, they won't like me. BACK TO PRESENT DAY 138 INT. DOUG'S BASEMENT - NIGHT The friends are comfortably seated on the shag carpet. 139 MCU - DOUG reading the note . DOUG "Therefore, it's best for both of us to break up. 140 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG "No hard feelings, Jim." Craig rests his chin on his hand for a moment and starts dictating. CRAIG Dear Lisa, you're a real cool person. 141 MCU - CARSON writing on a fresh piece of paper. A two-liter bottle or soda, plastic cups and fresh bag of chips rest beside him. CARSON But puberty can be real hard. 28 . 142 MCU - DOUG dictating over a hand of cards. DOUG Many guys develop slower than girls. 143 MCU - CRAIG Doug and Carson play a video game in the background. CRAIG These guys can't satisfy girls physically. 144 MCU - CARSON Doug and Craig's fists thumb wrestle in front of him. CARSON Therefore, it's best for both of us to break up. 145 MCU - DOUG He reveals his cards--a full house. DOUG No hard feelings, 146 MCU - CRAIG The soda and chips are nearly exhausted. CRAIG Jim. A door CREAKS; Craig looks up to see who it is. 147 LS - DOUG'S MOM stands at the top of the stairs wearing an apron worthy of Donna Reed. DOUG'S MOM Are Craig and Carson staying for dinner? 148 CU - CRAIG CRAIG Oh, shit! 29. 149 INT./EXT. MAIKE'S HOUSE - NIGHT MS - CRAIG through the eye-hole of a door. He brings his face close to the hole for a moment, then looks at a crumbled piece of paper--presumably an address--to verify his location. 150 MCU - CRAIG He looks nervous. He glances at his watch to delay a moment longer, then reaches for the doorbell. 151 XCU - DOORBELL Craig pushes down on the button but doesn't release his finger. It makes a crisp DING. 152 MCU - CRAIG anticipating the DONG. But as he withdraws his hand, he hears a DING-DING-DONG instead—BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH. Craig looks a little thrown. 153 MCU - DOOR A figure appears in the frosted glass. 154 CU - CRAIG straining to see who it is. 155 CU - DOOR It swings open to reveal a CAUCASIAN MAN. A smattering of gray hairs in his beard place him in his forties. He addresses Craig with a German accent just strong enough to hint at his foreign birth. MAN Ah, good evening. 156 CU - CRAIG CRAIG Uh, I think I have the wrong address. 157 CU - MAN MAN Nonsense. Maike's been waiting for you. 30. 158 CU - CRAIG absorbing this information. 159 INT. BILL'S DINER - NIGHT MCU - CRAIG Sitting in a booth at this greasy spoon restaurant. CRAIG So what kind of accent is it? 160 CU - TABLE It is bare except for the silverware and two glasses of ice water. One of the glasses is practically drained-- someone's been waiting a while. A girl's hand reaches in and grabs the near-empty glass. PAN with the hand into an MCU of Maike. She takes the last sip and rolls her eyes as she sets down the empty vessel. MAIKE German. 161 EXT. DINER - NIGHT MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE through the window. He looks at her with flighty but penetrating eyes. CRAIG Look, I'm killing myself for getting there so late. Maike's calmer than her date, and better dressed too, though far from formal. MAIKE You made it in the end. CRAIG So. . . 162 INT. DINER - NIGHT MCU - CRAIG CRAIG is he like, a stepfather or something ? 31. 163 MCU - MAIKE MAI KE What? No, he's my real dad. 164 MCU - CRAIG He looks a bit confused. CRAIG What's with the service in this place, anyway? We're gonna miss the movie. 165 MCU - MAIKE She plops an ice cube from her glass into her mouth and pushes it around with her tongue. CRAIG (o.s.) Maike.. . She looks up. 166 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG if your dad's German, why do you have a Japanese name? 167 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE Well, it's kinda complicated... She crushes the ice cube. 168 MCU - CRAIG listening intently. 169 OVER THE SHOULDER - MAIKE MAIKE It's like this. Hyphenation's a pain, right? I mean, who wants to go by like, "Maike Yoshida- Huttner?" 170 OVER THE SHOULDER - CRAIG CRAIG So you just took your mom's name. 32. 171 MS - MAIKE AND CRAIG sitting opposite each other in a booth. MAIKE And my brothers got my dad's. Craig thinks he's finally got it. CRAIG And that goes for your first names too. MAIKE What? 172 CU - CRAIG CRAIG Your first name. It's Japanese. 173 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE Oh no, 'Maike''s German. 174 MCU - CRAIG now thoroughly bewildered. Fortunately, the WAITRESS spares him further embarrassment. 175 MS - CRAIG, MAIKE AND THE WAITRESS WAITRESS I got two Bill-burgers and a diet Doctor Skipper. Craig and Maike's expressions sour as they watch the waitress hastily plop down the food, drop the bill face up on the table and leave. Craig waits until she is out of earshot. CRAIG What was with that? MAIKE She could have at least refilled the water. 176 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Yeah, well. (CONTINUED) 33. He takes a bite from his burger, chewing a couple times before his face involuntarily contorts in disgust. 177 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE That good? 178 MCU - CRAIG contemplating what to do with the stuff in his mouth. Finally, he reaches for his napkin and spits out the offensive morsel. 179 MCU - MAIKE offering him her soft drink. MAIKE Here.. . 180 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE He douses his mcuth with a liberal swig. CRAIG Thanks. Still hungry? Maike looks down at her plate, then back up at Craig with a fearful expression. CRAIG I'll get you something after the flick. MAIKE You okay vzith paying twice? He leans forward. 181 CU - CRAIG wearing a seditious smirk. CRAIG Who says we're gonna pay? 182 CU - MAIKE sharing his naughty smirk. From off screen comes the sound of an ENGINE picking up speed. 34 . 183 EXT. DINER - NIGHT The waitress flips the bird as Craig's car ROARS off into the night. WAITRESS Goddamn yuppie brats! 184 EXT. MOVIE THEATER PARKING LOT - NIGHT Craig's car SCREECHES into an open parking spot. Maike brims with energy as she and Craig disembark. MAIKE I just feel so...mischievous. CRAIG Welcome to the exciting world of juvenile delinquency. They take a few steps, then stop, dumbfounded. 185 OVER THE SHOULDER - MOVIE THEATER The ticket line stretches around the block. CRAIG Oh, shit. 186 EXT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE waiting to get their tickets. Craig tries to think of something--anything--to spark conversation. CRAIG I don't think I've ever known someone like you. MAIKE What do you mean? CRAIG You represent both major axis powers. 187 CU - MAIKE MAIKE (sarcastically) Gee, I haven't heard that one before—besides, I was born in the U.S. (CONTINUED) 35. 188 CU - CRAIG CRAIG I'm sorry. Sometimes my mouth gets ahead of my brain. 189 CU - MAIKE MA I KE It's okay. 190 OVER THE SHOULDER - CRAIG CRAIG No, it's not okay. I was totally out of line, and the last thing I want you to think of me's as some stupid jerk who has no concept of sensitivity for other people's ethnicity. I'm really, really sorry— 191 REVERSE SHOT - MAIKE MAIKE (giggling) It's okay, really. Just...be quiet. Craig nods. 192 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE Maike glimpses around the line, then turns back MAIKE (confidentially) You know, I think I did have a great uncle who was a member of the party. CRAIG (loudly) What party? Maike cringes in embarrassment and glances from side. MAIKE The Nazi party. to Craig. side to (CONTINUED) 36. This unexpected twist has a momentary sobering effect on Craig. CRAIG Oh. MAI KE I just hope no one overheard that. CRAIG Relax. Nobody listens to anyone these days but themselves. Behind them, an OLD LADY pipes up. OLD LADY My brother was a member of the Communist party. Boy did McCarthy have his ass! 193 INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE reclining in their seats. The flicker of the screen dances across their faces as EPIC-STYLE MUSIC resonates in the theater. The couple shares a large tub of popcorn. MAIKE I'm sorry we missed the previews. CRAIG To hell with the previews. I wanted to see those slides that tell you to clap if you're "jiggy wid' it." A PATRON sitting behind them gets fed up with their chatter. PATRON Sssshhhh! CRAIG Know what? This movie sucks. MAIKE It's not Citizen Kan.e.. Craig roots around for something in his pockets. MAIKE What are you doing? (CONTINUED) 37 . He produces a small box. CRAIG Whipper snappers. Left over from the Fourth of July. MAI KE You're not. PATRON Ssssssssshhhhhhh! Craig shrugs and throws a whipper snapper at the screen; it makes a loud POP. Maike cringes in embarrassment. Viewers around them begin to MUMBLE. MAIKE What the heck are you trying to do? CRAIG I'm trying to give these people their money's worth. He throws another whipper snapper, and... 194 EXT. BACK OF THEATER - NIGHT LS - BACK DOOR The sound of the POP matches to the back door slamming open. Maike walks out. From off screen, Craig is thrown out after her. CRAIG I want my money back! The door closes. Maike sits down on the curb. 195 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE Craig joins Maike on the curb at a measured distance. 196 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE What was that? She can't decide if she's drawn in or put off by Craig's juvenile pranks. 38 . 197 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Maike, I, uh...don't know what came over me. 198 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE She turns to him with a matter-of-fact expression. MAIKE Craig, you are the weirdest guy I have ever met. Craig self-consciously puts his hand to his head. CRAIG It's my hair, isn't it? His hair is disheveled, but thoroughly normal. 199 EXT. CRAIG'S HOUSE - NIGHT Craig's car pulls up in front. 200 INT. CRAIG'S HOUSE - NIGHT MS - FRONT DOOR Craig comes in and shuts the door behind him. He looks up into 201 LS - THE KITCHENETTE where he sees Denise at the table. She wears her nurse's uniform and munches on sugar coated breakfast cereal. A TV in the adjoining living room DRONES on in the background. DENISE Where were you? I gotta leave for work! Craig makes his way into the kitchenette and drops his jacket over the top of a chair. CRAIG Out robbing convenience stores. Anything new around here? 202 MS - DENISE She gestures to a stack of opened envelopes strewn across the table. (CONTINUED) 39. DENISE That check from your father finally came. Thought we'd have 'nother hassle with the lawyer. Craig passes in front of his mother on his way to grab a root beer from the fridge. DENISE What's that smell? 203 MS - CRAIG CRAIG My deodorant. He pulls back the tab on the can. 204 MLS - DENISE AND CRAIG Denise gets up to take her finished bowl of cereal to the sink. DENISE That's perfume. There something you wanna tell me? 205 MS - CRAIG as he takes a sip, his eyes following his mother as she walks by. CRAIG It's true—I'm a closet homosexual. 206 MS - DENISE standing at the sink. DENISE You were on a date! 207 ANGLE - CRAIG AND DENISE Craig begins to pace around the kitchen. Denise rinses out the bowl and places it with the spoon in the dishwasher. CRAIG I wouldn't exactly call it date. (CONTINUED) 40. DENISE Who was it with? CRAIG You wouldn't know her. DENISE Try me. Craig stops pacing. 208 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Her name's Maike... Yoshida. 209 MCU - DENISE DENISE That cute little Asian girl! 210 ANGLE - DENISE AND CRAIG She starts making her way back to the table with Craig following her. CRAIG How do you know-- DENISE Her mother's a doctor at the hospital... She snatches her purse and keys off the table. DENISE She played violin for the geriatrics when I was on swing last week. (shaking Craig by the ears) I'm so excited for you. CRAIG Ow. It's not that big a deal. 211 ANGLE - DENISE as she makes her way to the door. DENISE You'll have to tell me all about it in the morning. I'm running late as it is. Sweet dreams... 41. 212 MS - CRAIG CRAIG Bye . The sound of the DOOR CLOSING signals that Craig is finally alone. He shuts off the TV and takes his soda into... 213 INT. CRAIG'S ROOM - NIGHT MS - COMPUTER DESK He sits down and flips on the machine. VOICE (v.o.) D'ya hear 'bout "gumby dick?" 214 INT. SCHOOL/HALLWAY - DAY The voice comes from one of TWO FRESHMAN BOYS indulging in some juicy gossip over the DIN of other STUDENTS. 215 MS - FRESHMEN with Maike and Samantha in the background. FRESHMAN #2 (wiggling his little finger) You mean "little Jimmy" McCormack? FRESHMAN #1 Dumped his woman 'cause he couldn't get it up! They LAUGH their way off screen. 216 MS - MAIKE AND SAMANTHA MAIKE Thank god we're not freshmen anymore. SAMANTHA Amen. You, however, are avoiding my question. 217 OVER THE SHOULDER - MAIKE She pulls her notebook from her locker, avoiding eye contact with Samantha. (CONTINUED) 42 . MAIKE What question? 218 OVER THE SHOULDER - SAMANTHA SAMANTHA About my neighbor... 219 OVER THE SHOULDER - MAIKE She shuts her locker door and starts walking away. MAIKE Oh, that. 220 MCU - SAMANTHA as she starts to follow. SAMANTHA Yes, that. 221 MS - MAIKE AND SAMANTHA TRUCK with the girls as Samantha pursues her line of questioning. MAIKE Well, by conventional standards... between the third and fourth rings of hell. SAMANTHA So we're moving up in the world. MAIKE But somehow... 222 CU - MAIKE as she stops and turns to face her friend. MAIKE Craig isn't quite conventional. 223 OVER THE SHOULDER - SAMANTHA SAMANTHA Try "freak." Maike turns away again. 43. 224 MS - MAIKE AND SAMANTHA TRUCK to follow them. SAMANTHA When we were kids, he used to build contraceptives out of legos. MAIKE Relax, I'm not really attracted to him or anything... SAMANTHA For years I thought IUD stood for "inert uranium device." Maike stops again. MAIKE It's just... 225 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE maybe in some weird kind of way... 226 MCU - SAMANTHA MAIKE (o.s.) he could almost be... 227 CU - MAIKE MAIKE kinda cute? 228 INT. CARSON'S CAR - DAY CU - CRAIG sitting in the back seat. CARSON (o.s.) So did ya nail her? 229 MS - CARSON AND DOUG through the windshield. Carson drives and Doug shotgun as they eye Craig through the rear view Tinny electronic music plays on the tape deck. rides mirror. (CONTINUED) 44 . CRAIG Ah, I get it--you take me to lunch so you can pry into my personal life. Carson and Doug look at each other and nod. DOUG Yeah, pretty much. 230 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG All right then; the date was a total disaster, and she'll probably never speak to me again. 231 MCU - CARSON from behind his seat. CARSON That's a start. 232 MS - CARSON AND DOUG with Craig in the background. CRAIG I feel like a fucking idiot. CARSON No, I think you're a celibate idiot. They pull up at a stop light. 233 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG She's really intelligent, too. You know she aced the last trig test? 234 MCU - DOUG from the back seat; he twists around to face Craig. DOUG All Asians are good at math-- it's, like, genetic. 45. 235 MCU - CRAIG in profile. He winces at this generalization but doesn't respond. Just then, a slow, heavy BASS BEAT wells up from the car pulling up in the background. Craig turns his head. 236 EXT. STREET - DAY MLS - CAR It's the jocks. 237 CARSON'S POV - DOUG watching Mark roll down the window of his father's BMW, a smug grin on the jock's face. Doug starts to manually roll down his own window. DOUG Those fucks! CARSON Don't do it. But Doug does it anyway. 238 MCU - MARK his left arm resting on the door frame. MARK You boys cold chillin' to the full effect? 239 MCU - DOUG DOUG Sorry, can't have our mustard. 240 CARSON'S POV - DOUG rolling up the window with the jocks in the background. MARK Yeah, you need it to lick off your asses! Doug stops closing the window. 241 MCU - DOUG at a loss for words. (CONTINUED) 46. DOUG Fuck all you ... fucking ... fucks! 242 MS - JOCKS LAUGHING and exchanging high fives. JIM I'm fellin' you, these are the ass weasels that wrote that note! JOE Shut up, gumby-dick. Josh SNEEZES. 243 CU - MARK He glares at Carson and starts REVVING his engine. 244 CU - CARSON glances back apprehensively and starts REVVING himself. 245 CU - TRAFFIC LIGHT It changes from red to green. 246 CRAIG'S POV - CARSON AND DOUG Carson pulls into the intersection at the speed of a sedate grandmother while the jocks tear up the street ahead of him. 247 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG (to Carson) What the hell? 248 CRAIG'S POV - CARSON CARSON There's no way we'd beat a beamer in this heap. 249 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG But they had five people in their car. 47 . 250 CRAIG'S POV - CARSON in profile. CARSON Don't worry, we got it figured out. (to Doug) Tell Craig about the plan. 251 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG What plan? 252 MCU - DOUG He twists to face Craig. DOUG You know the locker inspection today? 253 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Yeah? 254 CU - DOUG DOUG Well...have you ever met Shelby? 255 INT. SCHOOL/BATHROOM - DAY MS - CRAIG AND SHELBY standing in a toilet stall. Craig hands the dealer a wad of cash and gets a small package in return. Craig emerges from the john, cool as can be, into... 256 INT. HALLWAY - DAY The place is bustling with STUDENTS. 257 MS - CRAIG with the sound of a toilet FLUSHING behind him. Doug swings in from around a corner; they make the handoff without a hitch. 48 . 258 MCU - DOUG DOLLY backwards as he advances, locked on his target. 259 MS - JOE opening his locker. Josh cracks a joke, and the two of them laugh MOS. ZIP PAN and ZOOM into a CU of CARSON, waiting for his signal. 260 CU - DOUG He gives Carson a nod. 261 MLS - JOE Carson "accidentally" bumps into him as he walks by. ZIP PAN as Joe and Josh chase Carson down. They harangue the geek as he apologizes, all MOS. 262 MCU - DOUG watching the whole affair. PAN with him as he makes a beeline for the unattended locker. He stuffs the contraband into the top rack and takes off. SAMANTHA (v.o.) So if anyone knows who set the Home Ec room on fire... 263 INT. SCHOOL OFFICE - DAY MCU - SAMANTHA She sits at a table and reads into a microphone. SAMANTHA please report to Mr. Donaldson immediately. 264 LOW ANGLE - MR. DONALDSON He CLEARS HIS THROAT. 265 MCU - SAMANTHA SAMANTHA And now—speak of the devil—Vice Principal Donaldson has an announcement to make. 49. 266 INT. CLASSROOM - DAY - SAME TIME LS - STUDENTS Maike is near the front of the class, Craig near the back. The class GIGGLES at the sound of someone FUMBLING with the microphone. Donaldson addresses them in a machine­ like monotone. MR. DONALDSON (v.o.) Good morning, Warthogs. 267 INT. SCHOOL OFFICE - DAY MCU - MR. DONALDSON MR. DONALDSON Drugs are dangerous. Even prescription drugs. 268 INT. CARSON'S CLASSROOM - DAY MCU - CARSON wearing a naughty smirk of anticipation. MR. DONALDSON (v.o.) Yesterday I found a bottle of pain killers containing codeine, a relative of heroin. 269 INT. FACULTY LOUNGE - DAY MS - TWO TEACHERS sitting there smoking. MR. DONALDSON (v.o.) As you know, we have a zero­ tolerance drug policy here at Grover Cleveland. 270 INT. JOE'S CLASSROOM - DAY MCU - JOE sitting alone in the back corner, brooding. MR. DONALDSON (v.o.) I won't name any names, but a certain student has been suspended from the junior varsity basketball team... 50. 271 INT. CLASSROOM - DAY MCU - CRAIG MR. DONALDSON (v.o.) for the rest of the season. Craig CHUCKLES to himself. 272 INT. SCHOOL OFFICE - DAY CU - MR. DONALDSON MR. DONALDSON You know the consequences. Just say-- 273 INT. SCHOOL GYM - DAY MS - MARK as he shoots a basketball. MARK No, Joe, I had nothin' to do with it. 274 LS - BASKETBALL COURT The JV basketball team shoots warm-up shots. Mark's ball describes an elegant arc but bounces off the rim. 275 MS - JOE He rebounds Mark's missed shot and passes it off screen. JOE Then who the fuck was it? Jim rushes on screen to retrieve a ball. JIM I'm tellin' ya, it was those faggot geeks. JOE Shut up, gumby dick. A WHISTLE blows. 276 MCU - COACH COACH JAMESON is a weathered but sprightly woman in her early forties. She's been coaching boys for years and knows how to deal with them. (CONTINUED) 51. COACH JAMESON All right, guys. Warm-up's over. We're doing layup drills. The team GROANS. COACH JAMESON Hey, no complaining. And Joe, you know you can't be here. 277 MCU - JOE JOE I didn't do nuthin'. 278 MCU - COACH JAMESON COACH JAMESON I can't argue with Donaldson, even if you are my best forward. You try out for varsity next year? 279 MS - MARK He takes one last practice shot with the Coach in the background. PAN to Joe under the basket as he catches the air ball. He puts his frustration into a pass back to Mark and starts to walk off. JOE Mark, you can't shoot worth shit. 280 MCU - MARK MARK Won't matter after my growth spurt--!'11 just dunk over your cracker ass. 281 CU - JOE turning around. JOE Dream on, Hootner. How many Japs you seen in the NBA? 282 EXT. CRAIG'S HOUSE - DAY MS - CRAIG'S CAR as it pulls up and Craig steps out. 52 . 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 MS - DOORSTEP Craig pops into view, stoops down to pick up the morning paper and opens the door. INT. CRAIG'S HOUSE - DAY CU - CRAIG carefully poking his head through the door. He looks over to see... MS - DENISE asleep on the couch, still in uniform. The TV RAMBLES on in the background. MS - CRAIG He quietly closes the door. PAN as he walks over to the TV. TILT as he crouches; he twists the volume knob all the way down and switches off the set. Still crouched, he turns to look at his mother. He then looks back at the newspaper in his hand and slowly opens it to the center. INSERT - CLOTHING AD featuring an Asian woman model. BACK TO CRAIG He keeps the ad and places the rest of the paper on the coffee table with yesterday's news. XCU - CORDLESS RECEIVER The phone RINGS. MCU - CRAIG popping into frame as he stands. The first RING stops as his eyes scan the room. CRAIG'S POV - LIVING ROOM in disarray. No sign of the phone. XCU - CORDLESS RECEIVER RINGING again. MCU - DENISE stirring from the NOISE. 53. 294 XCU - CORDLESS RECEIVER still RINGING. A hand swoops in and snatches it up. 295 CU - CRAIG holding the receiver to his ear. CRAIG Hello? A VOICE from the other end comes through the receiver, but what it says is not clear. CRAIG Hi ! (whispering) Just a sec, let me take this to my room. 296 INT. CRAIG'S ROOM - DAY MCU - CRAIG reclining on his bed, phone to his ear. CRAIG Whoa, I didn't even think you'd want to talk to me after last night. (pause) Of course, I'd love to. (pause) Friday's great. Have anything in mind? 297 INT. MAIKE'S ROOM - DAY - SAME TIME MCU - MAIKE She sits in a wooden chair next to a music stand and talks on a phone with a transparent case. MAIKE Anything but a movie. (nodding) Yeah, sure —that sounds like fun. (pause) That late? (pause) No, it's okay. I'm looking forward to it. (smiling) Bye . (CONTINUED) 54 . She sets the receiver back in the cradle and looks off screen for approval. MAIKE How was I? 298 MCU - SAMANTHA She nods approvingly. SAMANTHA Brazen. 299 EXT. CITY PARK - DAY LS - MAIKE AND SAMANTHA The girls stand at an intersection of walking paths. PEOPLE jog, stroll and roller-blade by in front of them. MAIKE It just feels good to finally be breaking out of my shell. 300 MS - MAIKE AND SAMANTHA Samantha sips on a drink while MAIKE rants. MAIKE I mean, the last time I held hands with a boy was probably "ring around the rosy." Samantha notices someone out of view. SAMANTHA (radiantly) Hi, Jeremy. JEREMY, an acquaintance from school, passes by in front of Maike and Samantha. JEREMY Hey. Samantha looks disappointed as he walks on without stopping. Maike is oblivious to the whole exchange. MAIKE Craig is pretty weird...but that's good, right? He's not like everybody else. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 55. MAIKE (cont'd) Less intimidating too. I mean, how could I possibly freak him out? And I know this sounds kind of stupid, but he has this little twinkle in his eyes, like this mischievous energy, and you never know what he's going to do next. Samantha looks away, inadvertently catching the attention of MR. DAVIES, her English teacher. MR. DAVIES (o.s.) Samantha! 301 ANGLE - SAMANTHA AND MR. DAVIES He pulls up on a bicycle. SAMANTHA Hi, Mr. Davies. MR. DAVIES Finished grading your paper... (shaking his head) amazing. The way you compared pep rallies to the Nuremberg rallies .... (nodding) You really have something there. 302 OVER THE SHOULDER - SAMANTHA incredulous at this compliment for her attack on the school. The DING-DING-DING-DONG of BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH underscores her surprise. 303 INT./EXT. MAIKE'S HOUSE - NIGHT MCU - DOOR as it swings open. Standing in the doorway is Maike's father, GUNTHER, the Caucasian man from earlier. He wears faded blue jeans and a button-down shirt. GUNTHER Ah, hello again. Why don't you come inside? 304 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Uh, thanks Mister Hootner. He steps into... 56. 305 INT. MAIKE'S HOUSE'S/ENTRYWAY - NIGHT MS - CRAIG as he surveys the interior. GÜNTHER Please, call me Günther. 306 CRAIG'S POV - THE HOUSE A slow PAN reveals the prodigious size of Maike's home. The entryway alone rivals Craig's living room in terms of square footage. Reproductions of Japanese wood block prints hang from the walls, and a SOOTHING TUNE from a well-known German composer emanates from the stereo. The CAMERA stops on Günther standing under an ox scull hung on the wall. He looks up the staircase. GÜNTHER Maike, dein Prinz ist gekommen! MAIKE (o.s.) I'll be down in a moment! Günther turns to the CAMERA and smiles. 307 MCU - CRAIG He nods, acknowledging that he heard. A WOMAN addresses him from off screen. WOMAN (o.s.) Craig Johnson. Craig turns to see who it is. 308 MS - WOMAN It is Maike's mother, SACHIKO, also in her forties, emerging from the living room. She holds her place in a paperback with her index finger. SACHIKO You were in such a hurry last time, I didn't get to meet you. Her accent, like her husband's, is noticeable but faint. 309 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Oh, hi Missus Yoshida. 51 . 310 OVER THE SHOULDER - SACHIKO AND GUNTHER SACHIKO Please--Sachiko. Your mother says a lot of good things about you. 311 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Those odd hours mess with her j udgment. 312 OVER THE SHOULDER - SACHIKO AND GÜNTHER He CHUCKLES. GÜNTHER Believe me, we know all about that. He puts his arm around his wife's waist; she bats at his shoulder. SACHIKO (to Craig) He thinks he's so level-headed. GÜNTHER An engineer must be level-headed. 313 MCU - CRAIG listening. 314 BACK TO SHOT GÜNTHER How else could I help Maike with her math? SACHIKO (to Craig) You should see him drive. He gets so impatient--he still thinks it's the autobahn. GÜNTHER Some things you can never get used to. The sound of FOOTSTEPS on the stairs draws everyone's attention. 58 . 315 MS - STAIRCASE Maike comes barreling down in a stylish dress pursued by her blond, eight-year-old BROTHER. BROTHER Maike has a boy-friend! Maike has a boy-friend! MAIKE Go back to your cage. BROTHER He's gonna kiss you! She stops near the base of the stairs and tries to push her petulant sibling behind her as she greets her date. MAIKE Hi, Craig. 316 CU - CRAIG He likes what he sees. WE HEAR the opening chords of some TECHNO MUSIC. CRAIG Hi ! 317 INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT The TECHNO BEAT kicks in over visuals that would make Timothy Leary proud; a bank of lasers and gels produces every color in the visible spectrum and then some, all flashing at seizure-inducing pace. A few hundred RAVERS groove to the ethereal, sci-fi sound that the deejay throws at them. 318 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE making their way through the crowd. They shout to hear each other over the MUSIC. MAIKE You ever been to one of these things before? CRAIG No, but I've read about 'em on Usenet. Maike looks around, a little uneasy. 59. 319 SERIES OF SHOTS - WHAT SHE SEES A) A couple of hipper-than-thou-dressed KIDS her age practically fornicating as they dance. B) TWO GUYS exchanging a wad of cash for a small bag. C) A RAVER COUPLE applying little white tabs to each other's tongues. 320 MCU - MAIKE looking more distressed than before. 321 MLS - CRAIG starting to dance. He motions for Maike to join him. 322 MCU - MAIKE She raises an eyebrow at him. 323 MS - CRAIG Spoken GERMAN LYRICS accompany the MUSIC as he moves his arms and head with short, jerky mechanical motions. He becomes a living parody of himself with his ridiculous little Kraftwerk/Sprockets-style robot dance. 324 CU - MAIKE She can't keep a straight face any longer. A smile cracks across her face as she laughs. 325 MCU - CRAIG He smiles back and settles into a more conservative dance pattern as she approaches. 326 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE She watches him for a moment to learn his moves, then makes a few tentative movements of her own. She trips on something, however, and falls straight to the floor. 327 LOW ANGLE - CRAIG offering a hand. 328 HIGH ANGLE - MAIKE TILT UP as she raises herself without Craig's help. 60. 329 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE Her ego a little bruised, Maike sets out to prove that she's cool by flailing around like a madwoman. Craig starts at her sudden change but quickly catches up to speed. 330 OVER THE SHOULDER - CRAIG dancing like a maniac, an idiot or both. The CAMERA TRUCKS in a 180 degree arc, giving us a REVERSE SHOT of Maike continuing her own dance floor rampage. Continue TRUCKING and TILT UP to the flashing lights on the ceiling. DISSOLVE TO: 331 EXT. PANCAKE RESTAURANT - DAWN MLS - MAIKE AND CRAIG through the window, eating breakfast at a small table. He says something, but she can't hear-~she leans forward, cupping her hand to her ear; Craig leans forward too and repeats himself. 332 INT. PANCAKE RESTAURANT - DAWN CU - MAIKE over Craig's shoulder. MAIKE (loudly) Oh yeah, one of those songs was in German. She starts to lean back. 333 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE with the window behind them. MAIKE Something about the last people on earth escaping into space after some huge catastrophe 334 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE (quoting the song) "without regard to race, class, nationality or religion." 61. 335 MCU - CRAIG He contemplates the lyrics as he takes a sip of coffee, then holds the cup by his mouth. CRAIG Maike...how did your parents get together? 336 MCU - MAIKE MA I KE (chewing on pancake) You want the long answer or the short answer? 337 MCU - CRAIG He sets his coffee down. CRAIG How 'bout the short answer for starters. 338 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE Well... Germans and Japanese both have this really weird obsession with the Old West. It's like, they all wanna be cowboys or something. I mean, we totally export Manifest Destiny. 339 MCU - CRAIG not sure what Maike's talking about. CRAIG And your parents... 340 MCU - MAIKE CAMERA ZOOMS slowly into a CU as she speaks. MAIKE Well, they were both on vacation in the U.S. They were doing this Route 66 bus tour. Really cheesy touristy stuff, you know? Thing was, the German tourists were all on one bus, and the Japanese were all on another. (MORE) (CONTINUED) 62 . MAIKE (cont'd) They made eye contact at landmarks in, like, three states before they finally started talking. They were waiting in line to buy film, and my dad said something about how overpriced everything was. 341 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG And? 342 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE And things took off from there. She bites into an orange wedge. MAIKE That's the short answer. 343 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG And the long answer? 344 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE A bunch of complicated family stuff. 345 INT. CRAIG'S CAR - DAY MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE They both look pretty tired. They drive along in silence for a while, until... MAIKE Craig, what's your family background? CRAIG My family background? God... (thinks about it) I don't really have one. MAIKE Whadaya mean you "don't have one?" (CONTINUED) 63. CRAIG I mean, I'm just plain white. MA I KE But you had to come from somewhere. CRAIG Well...my mom's grandmother might have been Scottish... or maybe it was Irish. 346 MCU - MAIKE MAI KE And your dad? 347 MCU - CRAIG He shrugs . CRAIG Don't really know much about him. 348 EXT. MAIKE'S HOUSE - DAY Craig's car rolls past the BMW in the driveway and pulls up to the curb. 349 INT./EXT. CRAIG'S CAR - DAY MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE from behind their seats. Craig doesn't really know what to say. CRAIG Here we are. MAIKE Yeah. CRAIG Your parents gonna be okay? MAIKE My brother's gotten away with a lot worse. CRAIG That little guy? (CONTINUED) 64 . MAI KE No, my other brother. He's a year behind me. CRAIG Oh. Maike gets out of the car. 350 LOW ANGLE - MAIKE holding the door open. MAIKE I had a really good time. 351 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Yeah, me too. 352 LOW ANGLE - MAIKE not really sure what to do. She smiles awkwardly for a moment, then leans back into the vehicle. 353 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE She gives him a quick peck on the lips. MAIKE Bye . She closes the door behind her. 354 CU - CRAIG A smile breaks across his face as he sits there in disbelief--his very first kiss. 355 LS - MAIKE through the passenger window, skipping up to her house. She turns to give Craig one last look from the doorstep. 356 CU - CRAIG He waves. 357 LS - MAIKE She smiles, then disappears through the door. 65. 358 CU - CRAIG He sits there for a moment watching the spot where she had stood and starts HUMMING the bassline to the German techno music. 359 INT. CRAIG'S HOUSE - DAY MCU - CRAIG closing the door behind him, still smiling and HUMMING away. 360 INT. KITCHENETTE - DAY MS - DENISE in a bathrobe eating her sugar cereal. DENISE Craig! Back from your sleepover already? 361 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG I can only stand Doug for so long. 362 MS - DENISE DENISE Uh, I think we need some more milk. You mind running to the store? 363 MS - CRAIG He walks over to the fridge and takes a look inside. CRAIG We got two gallons. 364 MS - DENISE looking defeated. CRAIG (o.s.) Mom... She looks up. 365 MCU - CRAIG He cracks open a cola from the fridge. (CONTINUED) 66. CRAIG What's my family background? 366 MS - DENISE DENISE Oh—well, my Granny McAllister was Scottish, and Grandpa Johnson— 367 MS - CRAIG stepping forward into an MCU. CRAIG I know all that. What about the other side? 368 OVER THE SHOULDER - DENISE DENISE You mean my mom's parents-- 369 REVERSE SHOT - CRAIG CRAIG No. 370 OVER THE SHOULDER - DENISE DENISE I really don't know, Craig. Your father was just some white guy. 371 CU - CRAIG He notices something odd as the information sinks in. CRAIG Mom...who's in the shower? 372 INT. CRAIG'S HOUSE - DAY - LATER MS - MR. DONALDSON awkwardly making his way out the door, his shirt not completely buttoned. 373 MS - CRAIG looking on with contempt as Denise watches from the background. 67 . 374 MCU - CRAIG turning to face his mother. CRAIG Hope you enjoyed your little PTA meeting. 375 HIGH ANGLE - DENISE DENISE I didn't know he was married. 376 LOW ANGLE - CRAIG CRAIG That's not even the issue. If you had any idea how sordid and wrong this man is... 377 OVER THE SHOULDER - DENISE DENISE I'm a grown woman. I can do what I want. 378 REVERSE SHOT - CRAIG CRAIG Under this roof? 379 OVER THE SHOULDER - DENISE DENISE You'll understand once you become sexually active. 380 CU - CRAIG He didn't want to hear that. 381 INT. SCHOOL MUSIC ROOM - DAY MS - CONDUCTOR MRS. GOSBORTH, a middle-aged, conservatively-dressed music instructor, conducts the closing measures from a piece of CLASSICAL MUSIC. MRS. GOSBORTH All right, that will have to do for now. 68. 382 LS - SYMPHONY The TEENAGE MUSICIANS make a BUSTLE as they put away their instruments and start up conversations. 383 MS - MRS. GOSBORTH MRS. GOSBORTH But before you go, I'd like to congratulate those of you headed to the state soloist competition this Saturday. I cannot emphasize enough how great an honor this is. She seems to address those who aren't going more than those who are. 384 MS - SAMANTHA She has little patience for this elitist bullshit, and it shows. Behind her, Maike puts away her violin. SAMANTHA MRS. GOSBORTH (o.S.) She makes us sound like This is something you should superior beings . all strive for during your high school careers. MAIKE (to Samantha) We'll prove her wrong on Saturday. 385 MCU - MRS. GOSBORTH MRS. GOSBORTH So remember to keep practicing! Finished with her spiel, she turns her attention to a specific student and makes a move in her direction. 386 LOW ANGLE - MRS. GOSBORTH wearing a very stern expression. MRS. GOSBORTH Samantha... 387 CU - SAMANTHA a little nervous. 69. 388 LOW ANGLE - MRS. GOSBORTH MRS. GOSBORTH I read your article in the school paper... 389 CU - SAMANTHA enjoying a sense of wry satisfaction. MRS. GOSBORTH (o.S.) comparing public schools to prisons .... 390 CU - MRS. GOSBORTH stone cold. MRS. GOSBORTH Very insightful. 391 CU - SAMANTHA The compliment catches her off guard. SAMANTHA Uh...thanks. 392 CU - MRS. GOSBORTH She nods to acknowledge Samantha's gratitude, then turns away. 393 OVER THE SHOULDER - MRS. GOSBORTH walking away. MAIKE (o.s.) I hope my hearing clears up soon. 394 ANGLE - SAMANTHA AND MAIKE SAMANTHA D'that rave fry a few cilia? MAIKE Yeah, but it was worth it. Craig's a lot of fun to be around. I really feel like myself around him, you know? 10. 395 MCU - SAMANTHA She shrugs as she puts away her cello. 396 CU - MAIKE MAI KE I can't really say that about a lot of guys. 397 INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA - DAY LOW ANGLE - JOCKS unleashing a chorus of PROFANITY on someone off screen. JOSH Goddamn buttmunchers! I'll kick your ass so hard, you'll fuckin' taste it! 398 OVER THE SHOULDER - CRAIG, DOUG AND CARSON Doug sits in the middle, flanked by his friends. DOUG Whoa, relax man .... What's your problem? Josh prepares to retort but succumbs to a SNEEZE. Mark shoves a piece of paper in his Doug's face. MARK This is our fucking problem, smart ass! 399 MS - CRAIG, DOUG AND CARSON Doug smirks. Carson looks over his shoulder. CARSON (suppressing laughter) Damn Josh, when did you get implants ? 400 MCU - JOSH with Jim and John restraining him. JOSH Fuck you, motherfuckers! 71. 401 MCU - CARSON in profile. Joe pokes his head into view as he SLAMS his hand down on the table. JOE You think this' funny? A lotta bad shit's been goin' down. It's gonna come down on you if you keep fuckin' with us. DOUG (o.s.) Look... 402 MCU - DOUG DOUG (pointing at the paper) I don't know who's been fucking with you, but my Photoshop skills are way better than this. 403 LOW ANGLE - JOE backed up by his "homies." He looks down at the picture and contemplates Doug's boast. JOE You best watch your ass. He turns to leave, but Mark has to get in one last threat. MARK If you even think about fuckin' with us... 404 MS - CRAIG, DOUG AND CARSON They watch their adversaries go. CRAIG I'm not that bad with Photoshop. 405 INT. VIDEO ARCADE - DAY MS - CRAIG, CARSON AND DOUG Doug fires a MACHINE GUN at a screen while Carson slides a crumpled bill into the change machine. Craig stands in the middle. (CONTINUED) 72. CRAIG All I'm saying is that we've got our revenge. Why can't we move on? The machine rejects Carson's bill—the motor WHIRLS as he slides it in again. CARSON I'm not letting them threaten me like that. CRAIG So you're just gonna pester 'em with anonymous little pranks? 406 CU - DOUG FIRING away. DOUG I'd kick their ass if it weren't for Donaldson. Suspension's a bitch. 407 MS - CARSON AND CRAIG Carson retrieves his crumpled bill yet again and tries to re-insert it. CARSON Look Craig, just help us break into the database. We'll mess up their grades from there. Craig snatches the rejected bill from his friend. 408 XCU - DOLLAR BILL Craig flips it around and inserts it in the right direction. 409 MS - CARSON AND CRAIG CRAIG Can't. I'm meeting Maike after this . CARSON Again? The quarters CHINK as the machine spits them out. Craig scoops them up and puts a hand on Carson s shoulder. (CONTINUED) 73. CRAIG I happen to like her. Craig drops the coins into his friend's palm. 410 MCU - CRAIG AND CARSON CARSON (confidentially) Craig, are you gettin' anything out of this? 411 CU - CRAIG CRAIG I'm not answering this bullshit. 412 CU - CARSON CARSON Aw, come on! We've listened to you pine about your "Asian dream" for weeks now. 413 ANGLE - DOUG SHOOTING at the video screen with Craig and Carson in the background. CRAIG Does anyone see the irony here? CARSON Whadaya mean? 414 CU - CRAIG CRAIG You're trying to dig up information about my non-existent sex life. What does that say about you? 415 CU - CARSON CARSON That we're loser virgins? 416 CU - DOUG DOUG I had sex once. 74 . 417 ANGLE - DOUG Craig and Carson glare at him contemptuously in the background. DOUG Cybersex. The glares do not relent. 418 CU - DOUG DOUG All right, so I programmed the computer to talk dirty to me--but I know what it's like! 419 OVER THE SHOULDER - CARSON from Craig's perspective with Doug in the background. CARSON See Craig, we lead sad, miserable lives. 420 REVERSE SHOT - CRAIG CRAIG Speak for yourself. 421 OVER THE SHOULDER - CARSON CARSON I am. But now you could actually get some. 422 REVERSE SHOT - CRAIG CRAIG Did I say that? 423 OVER THE SHOULDER - CARSON CARSON I'm serious. Think of what it'd mean for Doug and me. 424 CU - CRAIG not believing what he hears. 15. 425 CU - CARSON with Doug in the background. CARSON The only way we'll ever score is vicariously. DOUG It's all on you, bro. 426 CU - CRAIG CRAIG You guys are pathetic. 427 CU - CARSON looking very pathetic. Doug pops another guarter into the game in the background. DOUG I got this killer app on my hard drive—generates great come-on lines. 428 INT. COLLEGE MEMORIAL UNION - DAY A NERDY MALE COLLEGE STUDENT proudly demonstrates a toy spaceship. STUDENT #1 It's one of only ten-thousand ever produced! 429 MCU - MAIKE feigning to be impressed. MAIKE Wow. A SECOND NERDY MALE COLLEGE STUDENT looks on eagerly from behind her holding a plastic robot. A banner proclaiming the "toy convention" hangs in the background. 430 MCU - STUDENT #1 STUDENT #1 Most of them were recalled... 431 MS - MAIKE AND STUDENTS STUDENT #1 Buncha kids poked their eyes out. A pilot figurine ejects from the cockpit and hits Maike on the forehead. MAIKE (more surprised than hurt) Ow! STUDENT #1 Personally, I think they should have recalled it 'cause the whole idea of an ejection seat in space is ludicrous. I mean, where you gonna parachute to? Maike picks up the projectile. MAIKE Here's your spaceman. 432 MCU - MAIKE with the second student behind her shoulder. STUDENT #2 You speak English really good. Maike's face hardens. The PSYCHO THEME kicks in. 433 INSERT - MAIKE in a blackened room, looking evil as she plays the staccato THEME on her violin. 434 BACK TO SHOT MAIKE I hope so--I was born here. 435 ANGLE - MAIKE AND STUDENT #2 STUDENT #2 (disappointed) So...you're not Japanese? MAIKE Well... I am kinda--my mom's from Japan. (CONTINUED) 77 . STUDENT #2 Cool!-- 436 OVER THE SHOULDER - CRAIG from Maike's perspective. CRAIG Sorry I'm late. 437 MS - MAIKE AND STUDENTS MAI KE It's okay. Just hanging out. STUDENT #2 So can you translate this for me? (hands her a piece of paper) It's the instructions for my robot. 438 MCU - CRAIG He gives Maike a "Who are these guys?" look. 439 MS - MAIKE AND STUDENT #2 Her expression says, "How the hell should I know?" MAIKE Um, sure, but my reading skills aren't that good. She turns the paper over and scrutinizes it for a moment. MAIKE Oh...see, now you want to want to twist the arms around and then take off the head. STUDENT #2 Wow....You're awesome! MAIKE (shaking her head) The English is on the back. 440 EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY TRUCK sideways with Maike and Craig as they walk down the street. PASSERSBY occasionally cross their path as Craig carries the recalled spaceship under his arm. (CONTINUED) 78 . MAI KE It's like I'm screwed wherever I go. I look normal in Japan, but they think I'm retarded 'cause I can't say anything. And in Germany they all ask if I'm Chinese or something. CRAIG How 'bout here? 441 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE MAI KE (mimicking Student #2) You speak English real good! CRAIG (nodding) Yeah. MAIKE It must be so nice to just blend in. CRAIG Yeah, must be. Maike gives him a curious look. 442 EXT. CITY PARK - DAY MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE sitting on a bench. Some PEOPLE play basketball in the background. CRAIG I don't know why they do it. Maybe I look funny, dress wrong — maybe 'cause I'm into computers. MAIKE That's so wrong. Craig stands up. 443 MLS - CRAIG AND MAIKE CRAIG Just 'cause you're white doesn't mean you can't stick out. 79. 444 INT./EXT. MAINE'S HOUSE - DAY MCU - CRAIG AND MAIKE looking into each other's eyes, nervously glancing away, then re-establishing their gaze as they stand on the doorstep. They kiss rather awkwardly, then slowly draw back, LAUGHING at their own inexperience. MAIKE Craig...are you free tomorrow? CRAIG Definitely. MAIKE I'm playing my violin for a panel of judges. CRAIG I'm there. They kiss again, this time a little more relaxed. A FIGURE appears in the frosted glass of the door. The door swings open-- Craig and Maike quickly part their lips and turn their heads in surprise. 445 OVER THE SHOULDER - CRAIG AND MAIKE The back of the FIGURE'S head separates the lovers on the screen. Both Craig and Maike look startled and embarrassed, but Craig's expression quickly turns to one of shocked disbelief. 446 CU - MARK returning Craig's look. 447 MS - MAIKE, MARK AND CRAIG CRAIG (to Maike) I'll see you tonight, okay? MAIKE All right. 80. 448 INT. MARK'S BMW - NIGHT MS - MARK AND JOE occupy the front seats. Josh, Jim and John are squeezed into the back. Everyone has to shout over the BASS BEAT. JIM That fucking freak! JOE You just jealous 'cos she turned you down. 449 MCU - JIM JIM Doob, I tell you what I'd do if it was my sister--I'd whip out my nine and splatter his brains all over the fuckin' pavement. PAN over to John. JOHN You ain't got no nine. PAN back to Jim. JIM Got a nine-inch dick! 450 MS - JOE AND MARK MARK More like nine millimeters. Everyone LAUGHS except Jim; Josh SNEEZES. JIM Yeah, go on laughin', fool. Betcha Craig and his faggot friends are laughing at you right now. 451 INT. DOUG'S BASEMENT - NIGHT LOW ANGLE - CARSON CARSON You have to be proactive, man. Those assholes are probably plotting something this very moment. 81. 452 MCU - CRAIG seated on the couch. CRAIG I am not egging Maike's house. 453 LOW ANGLE - DOUG DOUG There's lotsa of ways to do it-- we could slip cheese packets into Mark's locker next Friday. 454 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Why not just confront them directly? 455 LOW ANGLE - DOUG shaking his head. DOUG Dude... PAN over to Carson. CARSON They just plain outnumber us. PAN back to Doug. DOUG And we'd get suspended. PAN to Carson CARSON Come one, we'll track 'em down, slash their tires or something. 456 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG I've got a date. 457 INT. BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT MS - LANE A bowling ball narrowly misses a lone pin. 82 . 458 MCU - CRAIG with Maike in the background. He looks frustrated. 459 ANGLE - CRAIG as he turns to face Maike. CRAIG Why didn't you tell me you were related to that...jerk? 460 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE What jerk? 461 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Mark. 462 MCU - MAIKE She stands. PAN with her as she walks in front on Craig. MAIKE You mean Hiro? CRAIG What? 463 ANGLE - MAIKE picking up her ball. MAIKE That's his real name. 464 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG He doesn't seem to like it much. 465 MCU - MAIKE She readies herself to throw as Craig looks on from behind. MAIKE The gangsta fantasy's just a phase. He'll grow out of it. (CONTINUED) 83 . CRAIG And offend a lot of people in the meantime. Maike throws. 466 INSERT - PINS A perfect strike. 467 BACK TO SHOT CRAIG Whoa, I've never seen a girl throw like that. 468 ANGLE - MAIKE She makes a violin-playing motion as she passes Craig on her way back to the bench. MAIKE I wield a bow. Why are you so obsessed with Mark anyhow? 469 MCU - CRAIG CRAIG Well, for starters, he's-- He freezes, then slowly turns his head. 470 CO - CRAIG staring in disbelief at something that's caught his eye. ZOOM into an XCU of his eyes. MAIKE (o.s.) What? 471 LS - CARSON AND DOUG bowling a few lanes down. 472 MS - CRAIG PAN as he urgently shuffles over to Maike and scoops up his street shoes. CRAIG Grab your shoes. (CONTINUED) 84 . MAIKE What's going on? Craig is reticent; he just keeps moving. Maike picks up her shoes and chases after him. MAIKE Wait! 473 LS - CARSON AND DOUG Doug points in Craig and Maike's direction. Carson turns his head. 474 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE practically running. MAIKE Shouldn't we pay first? 475 EXT. CITY STREETS - NIGHT ANGLE - CRAIG'S CAR The engine ROARS as Craig pushes his vehicle to obscene speeds. Maike looks over her shoulder, gripping her armrest with white knuckles. 476 MS - CARSON'S CAR Through the windshield, Maike sees Carson driving with mad intensity while Doug giddily jumps up and down in the passenger seat. 477 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE MAIKE Those assholes are your friends? CRAIG Were my friends. He vehemently waves his middle finger over his shoulder. CRAIG Fucking losers! Carson flashes his brights and HONKS repeatedly in reply. 478 CU - CRAIG noticing something up ahead. 85. 479 CU - LEFT TURN SIGNAL changing from green to yellow. 480 ANGLE - CRAIG'S CAR swerving into the left turn lane. 481 CU - CRAIG'S STEERING WHEEL as he wrenches it violently to the left. 482 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE Her SCREAM nearly drowns out the SCREECHING tires as the city spins around behind them. CRAIG I'm really sorry about this. 483 CU - LEFT TURN SIGNAL changing from yellow to red. 484 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE The background stabilizes. CRAIG I'll slow down right now if you want. Behind them, Carson's car pops into view. MAIKE Are you crazy? Punch it! 485 CU - CRAIG A smile cracks across his face as he glances at Maike, then back at the road. The pitch of the engine's ROAR increases. 486 MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE with a little more distance on Craig's friends. MAIKE Quick--the side street! 487 OVER THE SHOULDER - ROAD Craig darts right, following Maike's suggestion. (CONTINUED) 86. MAI KE Now cut the lights! BLACK SCREEN FADE TO: 488 EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET - NIGHT ESTABLISHING SHOT - CRAIG'S HOUSE Craig's darkened car quietly rolls into an MS. 489 INT./EXT. CRAIG'S CAR/STREET - NIGHT MS - CRAIG AND MAIKE from behind their heads. CRAIG This is it. He cuts the engine. 49C CU - MAIKE MAIKE Where are we? 491 CU - CRAIG CRAIG My house. 492 CU - MAIKE She looks around and suddenly finds her bearings. MAIKE Oh, right. Samantha's neighborhood. What about your friends ? 493 CU - CRAIG CRAIG What about 'em? They'll scour the whole earth before they look here. 494 CU - MAIKE She starts to lean forward. (CONTINUED) 87 . MAI KE Good... 495 MCU - MAIKE AND CRAIG leaning toward each other. MAIKE because I wouldn't want them to interrupt anything. CRAIG My mom won't be home till morning. 496 CU - MAIKE She recoils slightly. MAIKE That's not exactly what I meant. 497 CU - CRAIG CRAIG Don't worry. This isn't some one- night-stand . 498 CU - MAIKE wondering what he's going to say. 499 CU - CRAIG CRAIG It's like, the more I watch you, the more I realize how amazing you are. 500 CU - MAIKE She softens a bit. 501 OVER THE SHOULDER - CRAIG slowly leaning toward the object of his affection. CRAIG You are so attractive. Your eyes, your cheekbones ....They're so...unique. 88 . 502 CU - MAIKE looking uncomfortable. MAIKE What are you talking about? 503 OVER THE SHOULDER - CRAIG He calmly reaches out to her. CRAIG Please, don't be afraid of your own beauty. 504 MCU - MAIKE leaning away from him. MAIKE I really need to get home. 505 CU - CRAIG CRAIG Maike... 506 MCU - MAIKE Her expression says, "This better be good." 507 CU - CRAIG He clears his throat and tries to look earnest. CRAIG You are such a special girl; I can't deny, you rock my world. 508 MCU - MAIKE looking at him like a stranger. How could someone she thought was cool say something so insultingly inane? She CHUCKLES in disbelief. 509 MCU - CRAIG mistaking her chuckling for flattery. CRAIG You like it? 89. 510 CU - MAIKE MAI KE That is the most trite bullshit I have ever heard. She unlatches the door. 511 CU - CRAIG CRAIG Maike, I-- 512 OVER THE SHOULDER - MAIKE getting out of the car. She holds the door open from her position in the street. MAIKE A computer could have done better than that. She CLOSES the door. 513 CU - CRAIG flinching at his own idiocy. 514 CRAIG'S POV - MAIKE PAN to follow Craig's gaze as Maike walks around the front of the car and across the street. She knocks on Samantha's door and disappears inside. 515 CU - CRAIG in a moment of frustrated self-reflection. He BANGS his forehead against the steering wheel—once, twice, then leans back to bang it again. A bright light illuminates the inside of the car. 516 MCU - CRAIG from behind. He looks over his shoulder and squints at the light's source. The light goes out, followed by the sound of SHUTTING DOORS. Craig wears a "Why me?" expression on his face before turning his head forward again. 90. 517 CU - CRAIG in profile with the driver's side window behind him. Doug and Carson appear in the window and start POUNDING on it. Craig continues to look, straight ahead. Finally, he glances at his friends for a moment and reluctantly rolls down the window. DOUG How'd it go? CRAIG Your "love sonnet" really did the trick. DOUG Really? 518 ANGLE - CRAIG from outside the car. He turns his head to give Doug an evil glare. 519 INT. CRAIG'S ROOM - DAY MS - CRAIG reclined on his bed, holding the cordless phone to his ear. The RING comes through the receiver. Craig waits. The phone RINGS again, followed by the CLICK of someone picking up on the other end. Craig sits up. CRAIG Hello? GÜNTHER (v.o.) Ohaiyo. You have reached the Yoshida-Hüttner residence. Craig's head sinks. SACHIKO (v.o.) Please leave a message. Tschüss! The answering machine BEEPS. 520 ANGLE - CRAIG He stands up and starts to pace. (CONTINUED) 91. CRAIG Hey, it's me again. I'm really sorry about Friday. Really, really, really sorry. 521 CU - CRAIG He stops pacing. CRAIG My brain just wasn't the part of my body doing the thinking, and I know I was way to forward, but just please, please, please forgive me, Maike. 522 MS - CRAIG pacing again. CRAIG I swear to god I've been dousing the culprit in ice water ever since; I promise I'll never do anything like that again. I am sooooo sorry. The machine BEEPS again; Craig hangs up. He looks at the phone, frustrated with himself. 523 EXT. DESERT SKY - NIGHT An animated spacecraft CRASHES to the ground and explodes into flame. 524 INT. CRAIG'S ROOM - NIGHT MS - CRAIG in front of his computer. He drops his joystick to the floor. 525 INT. CRAIG'S HOUSE - DAY MCU - DOOR Craig enters with the newspaper, his backpack slung around one shoulder. He looks toward the living room. 526 INSERT - DENISE asleep on the couch again. 92. 527 BACK TO SHOT Craig closes the door behind him and makes his way into... 528 INT. KITCHENETTE - DAY MS - CRAIG He drops his backpack onto one of the chairs and sets down the paper on the cluttered table. 529 LOW ANGLE - CRAIG as he opens the paper. Something catches his eye. 530 INSERT - ARTICLE Small pictures of Maike, Samantha and a few other teenagers lie beside the headline, "Young talent shines at soloist competition." 531 BACK TO SHOT Craig looks a little sad. A KNOCK on the door grabs his attention. 532 OVER THE SHOULDER - DOOR Craig opens it to see Doug and Carson. 533 EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY MS - DOUG, CRAIG AND CARSON They sit on the curb sipping on slushees. CRAIG Am I hearing this right? DOUG Would we shit you? CRAIG I just never thought of you guys as altruists. CARSON Your depression's contagious. We had to do something. DOUG Thought of gettin' you a copy of Final Exit. (CONTINUED) 93. CRAIG So wait a sec, you say you'11 do anything to help me get her back? CARSON Anything within reason. 534 INT. DOUG'S BASEMENT - DAY MCU - CARSON He looks at the phone in his hand like it's a bomb. CARSON I said anything within reason. DOUG (o.s.) Just make the damn call! Carson glares off screen in Doug's direction, then dials with a hint of trepidation. WE HEAR the RING through the receiver. MAIKE (v.o.) Hello? Carson looks towards his friends, lost. 535 MS - DOUG AND CRAIG They silently implore him to say something. 536 MCU - CARSON CARSON Hi....My name is Carson. He pauses, expecting to hear a click. CARSON I go to your school. MAIKE (v.o.) Have we met? CARSON You probably don't remember, but I was in math club for a while. MAIKE (v.o.) Oh, Carson! Yeah, how are you? (CONTINUED) 94. CARSON Pretty good. Haven't done many proofs lately. MAIKE (v.o.) Don't blame you. I hate those things. CARSON At least I know my asymptote from a hole in the graph. 537 MS - DOUG AND CRAIG They cringe at Carson's lame joke. Maike LAUGHS. 538 MCU - CARSON MAIKE (v.o.) Yeah, you were good with those functions. CARSON (blushing) Oh, well... 539 MS - DOUG AND CRAIG Craig impatiently motions for Carson to cut to the chase. 540 MCU - CARSON CARSON Um, there was actually a point to this call. See, I'm a friend of Craig's MAIKE (v.o.) Oh. CARSON He's very distraught about what happened. (pause) He wants to know what he did wrong so he can make it up to you. MAIKE (v.o.) Well...tell your friend that if he can't figure it out, I don't really want to be with him. (CONTINUED) 95. Carson gives Craig a "bad news" look. MAI KE And did it ever occur to him that my family might hear his messages? The CLICK comes from Maike's end; Carson looks hurt. 541 CU - CRAIG CRAIG Well, if she won't tell me what's up, I guess we'11 have to get creative. 542 INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - DAY MLS - DOUG seated by a classroom door wearing shades and reading a comic book. The bell RINGS; STUDENTS filter out the door. Maike walks into the hall. A female CLASSMATE calls to her. CLASSMATE Maike! Maike stops right next to Doug. 543 INSERT - DOUG He glances up over his shades. 544 BACK TO SHOT CLASSMATE Congratulations on the soloist contest. MAIKE Thanks. Maike starts walking off with the classmate. CLASSMATE Was it hard? MAIKE Not really. I just pretended it was another practice. (CONTINUED) 96. The girls drift out of earshot. 545 INT. CAFETERIA - DAY MS - CARSON TRUCK backwards with him as he ambles along, tray in hand. He stops at a garbage can conveniently near Maike's table and disposes of his leftovers, bit by bit. 546 MCU - SAMANTHA with Carson's back in the background. SAMANTHA Fourteen's not so late. I wasn't much younger when I lost mine. 547 MCU - CARSON His eyes perk up at this scandalous bit of information. 548 MCU - GIRLFRIEND Maike and Samantha's GIRLFRIEND is a young freshman, probably some child prodigy who skipped a grade. GIRLFRIEND That's a relief. I was feeling so...immature. 549 MCU - SAMANTHA SAMANTHA How old were you, Maike? 550 MCU - MAIKE MAIKE Oh, I don't know...ten or eleven? Something CRASHES in the background. 551 MCU - SAMANTHA She looks over her shoulder to see Carson stooping over the trash can. 552 MS - CARSON pulling his tray out of the garbage. He places it on the dirty tray table next to him and walks off in a hurry. 97. 553 MCU - GIRLFRIEND GIRLFRIEND I'm just glad it's gone. What's worse than being in high school and still having a baby tooth? 554 INT